Ackerman Blood
by Arden Tenjou
Summary: After defeating Rod Reiss, Historia proposes something shocking to Levi: the risk of losing all traces of the Ackerman family is too great. Levi must have children before the next mission. She even "prepares" an option for him, a plain and terse but healthy private in the Survey Corps named Sif Larsdatter. Though both people despair, Levi soon begins to feel more than pity.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Some days after defeating Rod Reiss and making Historia the true queen, Levi found himself summoned to Erwin's office at the Survey Corps headquarters in Wall Rose. He came after volunteering at the orphanage, so in civilian clothes. He was surprised when he got there to find Historia and Hange present as well. In the corner, standing behind Hange, a private he'd seen around before but didn't know well.

With a soft, yet distantly sad smile, Historia greeted him first as he entered. "Levi, welcome," she said, looking ever more regal each time he saw her. "Please join us."

While Historia had been looking out the window when he came in, Erwin was seated at his desk with his remaining arm resting on the desk before him and eyes closed pensively. He'd barely lost a step after losing the other one. Hange meanwhile had on a very strange expression and was smirking rather tensely at the desk before them. Even the private had on an intensely troubled frown. Something weird was going on.

Levi took the empty seat beside Hange, facing Erwin and Historia. "Erwin," he said. "I'm not free. What did you drag me here for?"

"It was my request, Captain," Historia said in a soft but commanding voice.

Levi raised an eyebrow. He was not one who was at all impressed to be summoned by royalty. "That so?" he asked flatly.

"Her Majesty has been considering offering incentives to skilled officers to…start families," Erwin said in a very careful tone.

Levi simply watched him without a change in his expression. It hadn't occurred to him that the two topics were related. "Uh-huh," he muttered, assuming Erwin would continue.

Erwin, however, was watching Levi and trying to gauge a reaction. When he didn't find one, he reluctantly went on, "And…I have to say, I think it's a good idea. Obviously not for the long term, and we can't encourage it too much because the population inside Wall Rose is already strained, but…sad though it is to say, we run out of soldiers faster than we can train them. And humanity can't afford to lose many more without a contingency plan."

"You say some good things," Levi responded dryly. "Like how there's already too many brats here and not enough people to take care of them. Where do you think I've been all morning?"

"We will ensure care of any children who lose their parents to the titans," Historia inserted coldly. "But by and large I really only mean to institute this policy once we retake Wall Maria. When we do, I think you can agree, humanity will need more people of all kinds, especially soldiers. You do still intend to retake Wall Maria, do you not, Captain?"

Levi's eyebrow twitched at her. "I'm chomping at the bit, you know."

"I thought so. Which is why I'd like to ask something special of you in particular." Historia crossed to the front of Erwin's desk, folded her hands before her and took a calming breath before she began. "Captain Levi. Have you ever considered having children?"

A cold, sinking feeling started bleeding into Levi's gut as he looked unflinchingly into Historia's eyes. "You're not serious."

"I'm afraid we both are." Levi was surprised that this had come from Erwin. He looked back across his desk with the same emotionless gaze as ever, always ten steps ahead and just holding his intellect back enough to be present in the conversation. But his expression softened a little with pity for Levi as his gaze flicked downward. "In the particular case of the Ackermans, your family seems to be the only one immune to control from the Reiss family. And while we are allies now, there may be others of the Reiss bloodline among the enemy, in which case we cannot afford not to have an Ackerman on our side. Not only that, you seem to have above-average abilities that simply can't be matched by other soldiers. Above all, we can't afford to let your blood line die with you."

Levi glanced toward Hange, looking for some backup, wondering if they were in on this too. Hange's expression had grown cold but remained tense and strangely nervous. They did not like what was happening, but they were clearly not surprised by it. So they were involved too.

"There is of course Mikasa, but even if she were old enough, she's too valuable as a soldier to take leave right now," Historia went on. "We don't want to strain her body either." Both she and Erwin were completely ignoring the anger rumbling under the surface of Levi's expression as they kept talking. "On top of which, she seems to have already decided on a person to start a family with," Historia added with a private smile. "But unfortunately that means that every Survey Corps mission, in order to use our full strength in both you and Mikasa, we risk losing all traces of the Ackerman bloodline."

"Say what you're trying to say. Stop wasting time," Levi grunted, simply waiting for an excuse to leave at this point.

Historia raised her eyebrows at Levi's impertinence, but she obliged. "I'm saying that I want you to have children. As soon as possible. I don't think you have a partner right now, is that correct?"

"How could I?" Levi muttered, refusing to look at her. "You're all missing the bigger problem here…"

"And we can't afford to wait until you find one," Historia went on. "Commander Erwin tells me the next conflict is likely to be the most dangerous the Survey Corps has ever faced. Albeit you have the highest probability of surviving an all-out clash with the titans, the same goes for you as for every other member of the Survey Corps. This mission may well be your last. And then humanity will be without your talent forever."

Levi's jaw muscles tightened. He had started tapping the heel of his boot against the floor without realizing it. They were talking out of their asses. And yet somehow, they kept going.

"Of course no one is forcing you," Historia continued, with a demure expression that nonetheless spoke of an unwillingness to back down. "If there's someone you have in mind, be my guest. I'll make sure the child is cared for. You need not be involved at all if you don't want to be. In fact that might be best."

Levi swallowed a surge of anger and self-hatred that arose from her statement, kindly though it may have been meant. "So you do understand some things," he growled.

"But assuming you wouldn't have anyone in mind, I took the liberty of preparing one for you," Historia said, finally letting a hint of sadness slip into her softening voice.

Levi's eyes widened in disbelief. " 'Preparing'?" he repeated in incredulity.

Finally, after noticing where Erwin and Historia were looking, Levi's gaze turned to the private he had barely noticed when he came in. A plain-looking girl, on the tall and muscular side, with somewhat pretty eyes that were concealed by scruffy bangs. The rest of her mousy brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail at the back of her neck. The remainder of her face did not speak of beauty, but of sternness and strength. And to Levi's gaze, the look in her eyes as she stared at the floor beside Hange's feet said that she would rather be dead than be standing where she was.

Levi turned a harsh gaze instead to the oddly silent member of this little charade. "Hange," he demanded.

Hange's lips twitched upward in a self-deprecating smirk before it faded. They shrugged their hands. "At Her Majesty's request, I asked around among the Survey Corps for…volunteers."

"You did what?" Levi seethed. "So what, you're pimping now?"

Hange closed their eyes with a look that said they were as disgusted as Levi was, but continued respectfully in Historia's presence, "And of those who volunteered, Sif Larsdatter had the best combination of family health history and titan kill count."

"Congratulations," Levi said dryly over his shoulder.

Sif looked surprised to have been spoken to directly. She nodded wordlessly, still looking rather like a baleful hound. Had she really volunteered for this?

"Of course it's still your decision. But Captain," Historia said, now standing directly in front of him and looking hard into his eyes. "We need you. And I'm afraid there's no other way."

"Okay, you've made your case. Understood. In that case, I'll make you a deal," Levi said, closing his eyes tiredly. "Until Eren and his psychotic friend pop out a kid, I promise I won't die. Fair?" That said, he got up and started heading toward the door. "See ya later."

Historia took in a sharp breath. "Are you really that selfish?" Historia cried, sounding desperate.

Levi stopped in his tracks, his fists tightening at his sides. "No. I don't think so. In fact, I think you all need to get your heads out of your asses and realize you're asking the impossible. If you want to save the human race, then the last thing you need is any more monsters like me. You definitely don't need me being a parent. I. Can't. Do that," Levi growled with emphasis. "I'll help your cause any other way. I don't want the human race to die out either. But I decided a long time ago, my shitty family ends with me. And if you don't like it, you can shove it right back up where you keep your heads. Later."

With that, Levi left them as he had found them. It took him most of the rest of that day to shake off the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach at the thought of bringing a child like himself into the world. If either his or Mikasa's families were representative of a trend, that child would know nothing but terror and misery. Learning to fight would only enable them to survive, it wouldn't take away the horror or pain.

And then there was the ludicrous idea that he might care for the child himself. There were only two things Levi could think of when he heard the word "parent". His mother, who wasted away to hunger, sickness and despair before his very eyes, leaving him starving and alone. And Kenny, who scared the shit out of him and, though he taught him to fight, in the end abandoned him just as his mother and most likely birth father had.

At the core of his being, though he knew it was irrational, part of Levi had believed all those things to have been his fault. Maybe it was his blood, this Ackerman blood. Maybe he wasn't entirely human. He was more like a diseased hybrid. A monster in the shape of a human. The kind that could only bring misery to those closest to him. There was more than one reason Levi had never had a steady partner, especially after joining the Survey Corps.

It was more than just the fact that he found the exchange of bodily fluids more or less disgusting. More than the fact that anyone in the Survey Corps thought twice about developing feelings for anyone, when any mission might be their last. The fact was, Levi was afraid. Afraid that he would abandon those who loved him the same way he had been abandoned himself. Afraid that something about him made him unfit to be loved, in the same way Kenny had left Levi for his own good. Levi even agreed with him that that had been the right decision. He didn't want to imagine what kind of psycho he would have become if he'd really been raised by Kenny.

But at dinner that evening, he found it hard to concentrate on eating. That Historia. She was crafty. Or she'd asked Erwin how to push Levi's buttons. Her comment about being selfish, along with Erwin's agreement with the idea, kept ringing in his ears. Levi always found Erwin's cold logic the hardest to argue with. But every time he entertained the idea of agreeing, every fiber of his being said no. It was making his head go around in circles and giving him a headache.

He pushed away the empty tray of food he had forced himself to eat and sighed, resting his head in his hand. He felt a gaze his way and looked up to see that private, Sif Larsdatter, watching him from a couple tables away, carrying a tray of food as if she'd only just arrived. She quickly averted her gaze and went to look for another table.

Levi sighed. "Oy," he said on a whim. "Sit down. I'm leaving soon anyway."

"Oh…" she murmured, her eyes concealed by her bangs so he couldn't read her expression. "Thank you, sir," she said, and set down her tray in front of him. She waited a moment in silence to see if he would leave. When he didn't, she glanced up with uncertainty. She reluctantly started eating.

"My bad," Levi said abruptly.

Sif looked up at him with her almost-pretty eyes, which he now saw were dark green. "Sir…?"

"Looked like you wanted to get out of there just as badly as I did," Levi sighed again. "I don't know what's going on in Erwin's head sometimes. And the queen is a fucking mystery. Anyway. Sorry they wasted your time."

She took that in for a moment before simply shaking her head. Without another word, she continued to eat.

Levi raised an eyebrow. "You don't want to talk to me?"

Sif flinched. Her eyes refused to meet Levi's. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, sir."

"Huh," Levi commented, resting his head on his hand again. "Not surprising. What I don't understand is why anyone would volunteer for that kind of nonsense in the first place. Did Erwin or Hange say something to you?"

She looked surprised, her green eyes partly veiled behind her bangs and a confused frown. She considered her answer as she pushed her spoon through the soup she'd been eating. "Squad Leader Hange explained the situation…and I was happy to do my duty."

Levi took in that answer for a while. "So it's true you didn't volunteer. Hange asked you."

"I agreed when they asked. It's the same thing."

"For duty?"

"Because I respect Captain Levi more than almost anyone," she murmured, mostly to her soup. "And it would be a tragedy if humanity lost you. But…"

"What?" he pressed when she trailed off.

She returned to pushing her spoon through her soup as she searched for words. For a time it looked like she wouldn't answer at all. Eventually she said, "I agree, this method is backward."

Levi raised an eyebrow, quite pleased by the sudden harshness in her tone. "A nose for bullshit too. No wonder Hange picked you."

Her head lowered as if in shame, and her spoon absently moved through her soup again. "If I had to guess, I would say their choice was based on statistics. But that doesn't matter. Captain," she said, finally relenting to look up at him, though still behind her bangs. "What are you going to do?"

Levi sighed heavily. "Yeah. What indeed? Historia's bad enough. But it seems Erwin's made up his mind too. I can put it off, but I have a feeling that they'll corner me an hour before the next mission and force me into a room with some random person before they let me leave the walls again."

Sif's face grew darkened with anger. She set down her spoon. "It won't come to that," she murmured. "In that case I'll just lie."

"To Ewrin?" Levi grumbled sardonically. "Good luck."

Sif held his gaze with perfect seriousness. "I'm a good liar, sir."

"If you say so. That would…help me out a lot," Levi muttered, though disliking the feeling of being indebted to someone younger. "You're really willing to do that? What about 'duty'?"

Sif shook her head. "If we save humanity by losing it in ourselves, what's the point?"

Levi scoffed, almost tempted to smile. "That's an interesting perspective. But one Erwin wouldn't like, I think." He pushed out his chair to stand. "In any case, I'll be in your care. What should I call you in public? Sif? Darling? Sweetie?"

Sif seemed to visibly shiver. "I'm still your subordinate. My surname is fine," she mumbled.

Levi's eyes narrowed. "You're underestimating Erwin. Sif, then. You can call me 'Levi', that will make it more convincing."

She froze. "No. I can't."

"Hah?" Levi growled in annoyance, resting his hand on the table hard enough to rattle her soup.

Sif quickly shook her head. "It's impossible."

"Are you kidding me? You seriously volunteered to have my kid, but you draw the line at saying my actual name?"

"Captain Levi," she replied at length.

Levi rolled his eyes. "I don't think you get the idea. Well, work on it."

Before he left the mess hall, he saw Sif's head lower in a heavy sigh. Erwin and Historia really had their heads up their asses, trying to force something like this. At least the one they'd picked seemed like a good person, but if anything that made this worse. Levi felt guilty for betraying them, but no matter what he had to avoid this.

Unfortunately, Levi had to meet Historia the next day as they both volunteered at the orphanage. While they were folding sheets that had been drying in the sun, she was consistently giving him hard looks. He met them boldly with his own but refused to start the conversation.

"You talked to her?" she asked finally.

"Sure. She's not bad."

"Only talked?"

Levi sighed. "Hey. Your Highness," he drawled. "I'll put this as plainly as possible: if we fucked, do you think I'd tell you?"

Historia blushed, apparently not having expected him to be so blunt. "I only ask because Sif apparently told Squad Leader Hange that she stayed in your room last night."

Levi carefully kept the surprise from his face. He had asked her to lie, but he thought she would wait a while until it was more believable. Well. It was done now. It would be more unnatural if he denied it, so he said nothing.

Unfortunately, after gauging his expression, Historia continued with suspicion, "Even though no one saw her go in or out. Or even anywhere near the officer's barracks."

Levi rolled his eyes. Well that ended quickly.

"So it's a lie?" Historia pressed.

"One more time, if there's anyone I would be less interested in having this conversation with, I can't think of any. Fold your sheets. Your Highness," he tacked on facetiously. He almost called her "brat" as always, but was starting to feel weird about it in her case. Not because she was queen. But after she punched him, he started thinking of her as an adult.

Historia eventually complied, pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes at the innocent sheets as she folded them. But after a time she added, "There's at least two months until Commander Erwin tells me the Survey Corps will be ready for the next mission. That means at least two chances for you to prove your good intentions."

The hairs on the back of Levi's neck stood on end. He still couldn't believe she was pushing this so hard. But unfortunately, he realized she was right. This lie had at least one obvious deadline.

"Or what?"

"Well. The only other thing I can think of is to ask Hange to preserve your seed for future use." Levi recoiled. Had he misheard? Had those words really just come out of the mouth of Queen Historia? "I only provided the previous option because I thought it would be easier for you. If I were you, I would at least want to know the person and have some sort of relationship with them."

"You know, I really am touched. Your charity knows no bounds. I guess that's why they call you the 'Commoner Queen.'"

Historia took on a sad smile. "I think the term is 'People's Queen'," she muttered. "But I get your point." She folded the last sheet and stared at it in her hands. "Captain…I realize this may mean nothing, coming from me. But I'm truly sorry. I know this is a horrible thing I'm asking of you. No one should be forced to start a family when they don't want to. It's an enormous burden. And it's dehumanizing."

Levi let out a long breath, but refused to answer. If she knew that, then there was no excuse.

"If I were you, I don't know if I could do it," she confessed softly.

Levi glanced up at that, looking her up and down dubiously. "Yeah, well. In your case there's an obvious reason that wouldn't work," he replied.

Historia glanced at him in surprise. Maybe she thought her relationship with Ymir was a secret. Eventually she cast her eyes down again. "Neither you nor I have much idea what a family should be," she said, changing the topic. "And I think our gift in times like these is that we don't want for something we've never had."

Levi scoffed. He knew well that Historia nearly destroyed humanity in her desire to have a real family. Maybe she meant herself now.

"But Sif knows," she said at last. Historia placed her folded sheets into a basket and carried it inside, walking past Levi. "You should ask her about it. That at least is a small thing to do, for the future of the human race."

Levi had no interest in doing any such thing, but was grateful that the grilling was over. He gathered his own sheets and returned to the inside of the orphanage. When he got back to the barracks that afternoon, to change into uniform and perform regular chores and training for the day, he realized after all this time thinking, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to do. Loyalty to Erwin would make him do almost anything. And he respected Historia too. He knew their logic was right but still, these swirling emotions created a barrier he couldn't get past despite all the logic in the world.

To settle his thoughts, he went to the stable. He hadn't told anyone this, even Erwin, but his favorite thing about the Survey Corps wasn't killing titans or saving humanity, or even getting to use 3DMG all the time. He'd done that in the Underground after all. But one thing they didn't have in the underground was horses.

His horse, Gerulf, he had received as a young gelding when he first joined the Survey Corps, just two years old and freshly broken. At the time, Levi and Gerulf had both been curious and unsure about one another. But once Levi realized that, he abandoned his own anxiety and encouraged Gerulf to trust him with trust and confident guidance in return. Levi's naturally firm and yet forgiving nature worked well with horses. Also, horses had no social graces or status or rank, besides who rode in front of whom, so Levi never felt looked down on when he was around them. The effect of being together was mutually beneficial for them.

He walked through the long stables to Gerulf's pen, greeting him by petting his nose when it was presented. Gerulf sniffed Levi as he usually did when seeing him for the first time in a day, then set his chin on Levi's shoulder and pulled him closer, asking for a brush. Levi chuckled, gently stroking his horse's big, muscular neck. This was another thing that might surprise some of Levi's subordinates, particularly those who tensed up with fear around him. Many people thought Levi emotionless, or angry all the time, but when he was alone with Gerulf he smiled quite frequently. He even spoke softly, knowing Gerulf listened better that way.

He had just started brushing him when he heard some commotion outside, in the nearest working area. Most privates had never ridden horses before, so there were many practice areas even inside the Survey Corps barracks. But since the horses were so well behaved, due to strict training and breeding, this area was normally very quiet and peaceful. Levi raised an eyebrow in annoyance, assuming the fault was with some inexperienced soldier who'd spooked a younger horse perhaps.

He gave Gerulf a last pet over his forehead and then set aside his brush to go and check out the cause of the disturbance. When he reached the working pen, he found two soldiers and one horse. The horse was nodding furiously, stomping his feet in a threatening gesture and trying to throw off the one currently holding his reins and trying to stay level with his front legs. The other soldier was leaning on the fence from outside the pen and shaking his head.

"It's no good. The geld didn't take. We can't take a stallion outside the walls," the one at the fence was saying, loud enough to be heard over the stallion's tantrum.

"We can try again," said the other, though concentrating on not getting kicked or stepped on.

Levi raised his eyebrows. He thought he recognized that mousy ponytail. Though her back was to him, it was definitely Sif wrestling with the stallion.

"There's no guarantee it will work the next time either," the soldier on the fence continued, now sounding bored. "He's too wild. You're wasting your time."

"Maybe so. Don't worry about it, Realgar. Go back to training, I'll see you later."

Sif did not react when he paced and tried to turn, yanked his head back or even tried to rear. She didn't touch him or look at him, just firmly held his reins and kept stepping into his space, forcing him back. To Levi's disbelief, it was working. Each time she stepped toward him, the stallion instinctively moved a pace back and panted with uncertainty. It was obvious that he wasn't trying to dominate or attack, he was just carried away by the nervous tension of his hormones. If anyone had tried to confront him, he would have responded with aggression, as stallions should. But Sif's body was relaxed; calm and determined. Her surety started to affect him.

They continued to struggle for some time, but the stallion was definitely calming. One slow, sure step at a time, she walked him back toward the fence. One final step, and the stallion's rear bumped softly against the fence. He nodded just a little, but slowly lowered his head, panting and sweating. As his breathing started to become regular, Sif spoke to him softly. She laid a hand on his flank. His skin flinched just a little, but his breathing continued to slow.

The soldier on the fence just shook his head. "Suit yourself." He jumped down and walked back toward the stable. He spotted Levi and saluted. "Good afternoon, sir."

Levi nodded as the soldier passed him. He continued to watch as Sif spoke to the stallion in hushed tones until his attention was fully on her. While keeping just behind his eye line, on hand on his flank and the other loosely holding his reins, she encouraged him to walk beside her. After slight hesitation, he took a couple of steps. Soon, he fell into a groove, though still breathing rather hard, walking at a pleasant pace around the pen with Sif at his side.

She stopped. So did he. She took a couple steps backward, and he followed reluctantly. They remained still for a moment. She moved forward again and he copied her. Levi became fascinated by this display. He'd never tried to calm a stallion before. Really they weren't safe to be used in combat, so they rarely ended up here. But even though it didn't seem that Sif had done anything special, Levi had immense respect for someone who understood horses so well.

Finally, the stallion's breathing had returned to normal and his head was at a relaxed height. Sif spoke to him a little more, soothing his flank, which didn't flinch at her touch this time. She opened the gate and led the stallion back toward the stable. It was only as they were entering the large doors that she finally noticed Levi.

"Captain," she muttered in surprise. For a moment, she seemed to struggle for what she should say or do, but she had to keep the horse moving. "Forgive me," she murmured hesitantly, in a tense and quiet voice that she hadn't used either for the soldier who left or the stallion. "I have to run this stallion a little. I'll be back in an hour or so if you need something."

Levi nodded. "You shouldn't go alone. I'll come with you."

Sif's lips parted as she glanced back at him, but she had to keep the stallion moving for now so she said nothing. Levi went back to Gerulf and saddled him as Sif was doing the same. A few minutes later, they rode out of the stable together, heading toward the nearest open space inside Wall Rose, which was a farming and fishing area about a ten minute ride away.

After they let their horses take the lead, now and then running and walking as it suited them, it finally seemed as if Sif had relaxed around him a little.

"Does your family raise them?" Levi asked at one point, thinking he could kill two birds with that question. Historia was right about that at least; it wouldn't hurt him to talk to someone about family. Neither would it change his mind.

"Oh…yes," she answered.

So much for that. Well, there were many reasons she would be comfortable talking to a horse or a comrade but not Levi. Even if they weren't in this strange situation, many subordinates placed Levi on a pedestal, treating him with usually some combination of hero-worship and terror. It didn't seem to be exactly that, but still he couldn't blame her for discomfort.

"It's still not too late to say no," Levi said, fighting off a strange sadness as he did.

Sif looked over at him in surprise.

Levi sighed. "I'm stuck. But as you say, Hange probably just picked the healthiest and strongest based on their calculations. That means if you're number 1, there must be a number 2." He shrugged. "That, or we could both just tell Erwin to go fuck himself. Which I may do anyway."

Sif took that in silently for some time. Her silence was starting to make Levi uncomfortable. He really wasn't good in delicate situations of any kind. "If that's what you'd prefer, Captain," she said at last, so softly he barely heard over the horses' hooves.

"I'm not telling you what I'd prefer," Levi barked irritably. "I'm saying that unlike me, you have options. You don't have to go through with this, so it's stupid to force yourself if you're so unhappy."

Sif shook her head, frowning in slight confusion. "I don't…I wouldn't…" She struggled to find the right words and eventually sighed. "The only thing that concerns me is you, Captain. It's obvious you don't want to do this, and you shouldn't have to. Even if you don't have someone, I'm sure I'm not what you would have chosen for yourself. But whatever the reason, the only thing I want to do is help you. If the best way to do that is refusing to take this mission, I'll gladly do that."

Levi frowned, watching her with uncertainty. He was more and more surprised by this person. He couldn't quite understand where she was coming from, or why she seemed to care about his feelings more than anyone else did on this topic.

"Let's take a rest up there," Levi muttered as they approached a small glade of trees.

"Yes, sir," Sif answered without emotion.

They rode to a gentle stop outside the glade and dismounted, tying the horses to the nearest tree trunks. Levi fished out his water canteen and sat on a fallen log to drink a little. Sif stopped to check how the stallion was doing, speaking softly to him again. After stroking him a little she reached for her own canteen and took a drink, still standing by the horses and not looking at Levi.

"Is there another reason you agreed to do this?" Levi asked softly.

Sif didn't react. Eventually her eyebrows pulled together slightly in a troubled expression.

Well, he hardly needed to ask or be answered any more clearly than that. Even though Levi himself could be a little bit dense about these things, based on this interaction just now he was roughly 70 percent sure that this person had feelings for him. Feelings that, at the very least, went past duty or respect. And in another bit of trivia about Levi that might surprise those who served under him, he could count on one hand the number of times in his life that someone had actually expressed affection for him personally. It was pretty embarrassing. But not bad.

"Sif," he said abruptly.

She flinched. She wasn't used to being referred to by her first name apparently, at least not by him. "Yes, sir?"

"I want to check something." Levi set down his canteen, stood and walked over to stand directly in front of her. "Stay still for a minute."

Sif had frozen in panic, not knowing what else to do. But she only watched in mild disbelief as Levi placed a hand on her shoulder and stood up on his tiptoes. While maintaining her gaze, he pressed his lips softly to hers. Though her eyelashes fluttered in obvious distress, after a moment they slowly closed, a hint of color rising to her cheeks as her lips relaxed against his. As he pressed his lips more firmly to hers, she gasped and he felt the slightest touch of her fingertips against his waist.

But the next moment, the cold evening light struck Levi's face as she backed quickly away from him. Too quickly, bumping directly into her stallion's rear leg. He stomped in frustration, nodding his head impatiently.

Sif, on the other hand, held a shaking hand over her mouth, her eyes completely concealed by her bangs as she hunched down away from Levi in shock. "You shouldn't…do that. Captain," she murmured.

"Because?"

Instead of answering, Sif visibly gritted her teeth, turning away from him. She was angry? She faced the stallion's saddle, placing a hand on his flank as she sorted her thoughts. But at the end of them, whatever they were, she simply untied her stallion and mounted again. Without looking at him, she waited silently and obediently for Levi to join her.

Levi watched her with uncertainty. He wasn't sure what that reaction meant. Either he'd misread her completely or her feelings went even deeper than he thought. One thing he did know was that his heart was pounding, though he wasn't out of breath from riding, and his lips still felt warm.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Sif Larsdatter had never really had any strong desires growing up. A middle child in a quiet but loving family, always surrounded by horses. She didn't feel a lot of passion in life, but had never been very unhappy either. It had given her family pride for many years providing the elite and carefully bred horses for the Survey Corps, and life was relatively simple. She probably would have been happy continuing her family's trade, if not for the fact that only one of the Lars family children could inherit. She and her younger brother would have to find a trade of their own, or all starve.

The reason she had joined the military, and the Survey Corps after that, were less complicated than most. A strong sense of duty and a desire to be around horses. She didn't place a lot of value on her own life, having been taught from an early age that nothing was more important than duty. Protecting her family and horses had been her mission as a child. She was just protecting a larger family now.

Soon after joining, something changed. A desire. A whole new range of feelings that were nothing like she'd ever felt for anyone, equine or human. It took her more than a year to realize what to call that feeling, and once she did, she attempted to forget. Of all the people it was appropriate to feel that way about, Captain Levi was the last in the world. By Sif's definition of the word, he was about as close as possible to what a perfect human might be. While she, who sometimes felt she was more horse than human, was a gloomy and boring person who wasn't even talented enough to be advanced in rank. She was distantly aware, though didn't pay much attention to aesthetics unless they affected health, that others found her unattractive as well. Her tall but stocky body, with wide shoulders capable of lifting and tossing around 50-pound hay bales with ease, was closer to a male ideal than female, and she'd definitely never been complimented for beauty of any kind. And knowing Captain Levi had such a strong preference for cleanliness, possibly that extended to physical beauty preference as well.

When Squad Leader Hange approached her with their outrageous proposal, Sif thought she may have been dreaming. Even as a slow sinking sensation began to creep into her chest, she said yes almost immediately. After all, she rationalized, if Captain Levi was against it he would simply say no, and no harm done.

But the moment she stood in Commander Erwin's office among these great warriors of humanity, trying to make herself seem smaller than she was behind Squad Leader Hange's back, guilt had stricken all joy from her heart. Really, what was this? Even for the sake of the survival of the human race, asking an individual to give up their right to procreate – or not – with whom they chose was inhumane. Sif was one of the many among the Survey Corps who questioned Commander Erwin's methods and style of leadership that treated the conflict with the titans as tactical victory at the cost of strategic defeat. And evidently he was willing to sacrifice more than just human life in pursuit of his goals. Dignity was a small thing compared to life, after all. And yet without one, the other seemed meaningless.

As she listened to Queen Historia explain the issue to Levi, this outrage only grew stronger. And beside it, utter guilt and self-hatred that she had agreed to participate. Had she really thought Captain Levi might agree to this? No, before that, she should have objected to the very idea. It was wrong to even ask. She couldn't take back this wrong that she had done.

She was still lost in despair when Captain Levi had called out to her in the mess hall. She'd been so guilty and nervous she barely remembered what was said, except offering to lie to Commander Erwin. And then he had approached her in the stable as well, though probably that was just a coincidence. She couldn't imagine what he was thinking, or why he would twice approach someone who'd likely made him feel violated just by her presence.

And then…the thing she still couldn't believe. She woke up the next morning, still wondering if it had been a dream. As she blinked her eyes open to the cold morning, the light outside still dim from the not-yet risen sun, she instinctively raised a hand to touch her lips. Her fingers trembled. Part of her prayed that it had been a dream. Another part was satisfied. She'd had more than enough excitement for one lifetime, and if that kiss had really happened that was more than she could ever wish for.

But more strongly and visibly, what manifested in her chest and in the bent of her brow was anger. She didn't know what had caused Captain Levi to behave that way. Whether it was pity after he had discovered her feelings – as he quite clearly had – whether this was some form of revenge, or whether it was simply easy to do that with someone who had agreed to do much more, in any case, it was a cruel act. Well, on the one hand Sif had been in the wrong to put him in this position, so he did deserve do act as he chose.

And with that thought, she sighed. It was true. She was thinking about only herself again. Maybe Captain Levi was just as confused as she was. Maybe he needed to feel a connection with someone in order to even consider following Queen Historia's cruel command. When she thought about it that way, she realized that if her words had been true, about prioritizing Captain Levi's feelings, then she had no right to object. Especially since she'd already agreed to do much more shocking things. Still…how much of that kind of behavior could she endure before it broke her heart?

She focused on training for the next few days. Inexplicably, Captain Levi showed up now and then wherever she was. Sometimes he just watched. Other times he approached her and talked, mostly one-sidedly. He kept the topics on whatever was happening, or random things, and steered away from what neither of them really wanted to discuss.

This behavior had Sif completely baffled, until Squad Leader Hange had passed by once when she and Levi were talking. As Levi spotted them, he suddenly leaned in close and whispered in Sif's ear.

"I'm just throwing the science freak off the scent. Just bear with it," he murmured in his tantalizing baritone, sending shivers down the skin of Sif's back. "Try to look embarrassed if you can."

Sif's eyes fluttered closed over cheeks that were already red. There would be no acting required to do that, she thought, again swallowing a surge of anger at Captain Levi's reckless toying with her emotions. She waited until Squad Leader Hange was out of sight. Then she shifted to be slightly further away from him, turning away.

"So your decision is…to keep deceiving them as long as possible?" Sif managed with difficulty, avoiding his gaze.

Captain Levi didn't answer at first. "Problem?" he asked at length.

Ashamed again at her selfishness, Sif clenched her fists. "No. I meant what I said the other day."

"On that subject, you really don't talk much, do you?" Levi continued, with one critical eyebrow raised. "The queen suggested I talk to you, but it's still like pulling teeth." He cast his gaze toward a couple of Sif's friends who were nearby, watching their interaction with uncertainty. "But you do have friends. Is it just me?"

Sif closed her eyes, wishing more than once that the topic would shift to something else or the conversation would end. She felt immense pressure when Captain Levi was focused on her. And all it served to do was highlight all her own insecurities and guilt.

"There's no reason for us to talk," she muttered, unintentionally letting her guilt out in the form of aggression. She immediately regretted her words.

Levi's brows twitched together as his sharp eyes flicked toward her with what she could only imagine was disdain. The expression soon faded into simple coldness, and Sif's heart sank. "If you say so," he said.

The next moment, he turned and left. Sif pressed a hand to her forehead, which was feeling hot with self-hatred. She'd felt bad and taken out that feeling on Captain Levi, who'd done nothing wrong. If he didn't hate her already, he must by now. And that wouldn't be so bad, but it would make keeping up this lie harder on both of them. Was there any way to fix this?

That night, Sif found herself standing outside the officer's barracks. She'd never been here before except in passing. Even though they didn't differ much from the lower ranks, apart from being private rooms rather than doubles or quadruples, the door still seemed ominous. She sighed, hashing it out in her mind once more whether this was a good idea. But if it might at least make things easier for Captain Levi, it was worth it. She prepared herself for the possibility that he would turn her away immediately and hate her more for bothering him during his free time.

She entered the barracks, only realizing after she had that she didn't know which room belonged to Captain Levi. She walked down one hall at random, looking for identifying markers on the doors. Some officers put their name on a slat of wood by the door, but some either didn't bother or many of these rooms were empty. Muddy boots lay outside a few rooms. And clean boots outside only one. That was easy.

Sif took a breath. Lightly, she knocked the back of her knuckles against the door.

"Who is it?" Captain Levi's voice. So she'd at least gotten the room right.

"Sif."

Silence. Sif's heart ached. Would he turn her away? Or just ignore her? Maybe that was best, if he really did hate her. It would do credit to the lie if at least someone had seen her come in here, and she was pretty sure at least one person had. Still, being hated by someone she loved was not a good feeling.

When the silence continued, Sif took a step back. It was hopeless after all. But just as she had been about to turn, she heard a creak from inside the room. As she still had one foot point toward her escape, the door slowly opened.

Captain Levi, in a casual shirt and pants, leaned against the door frame with his arms folded. He looked her up and down, his eyes catching on her feet. He glowered up at her. "I was a fool thinking you'd been brave for once. Am I that scary?"

Sif couldn't take her eyes from Levi's. Nor could she keep the affection from her face as she looked at him. She sighed again. "You're probably the scariest person to me," she murmured.

Levi's scowl deepened.

"But that doesn't excuse my behavior earlier," Sif continued softly. "If you'd be satisfied with the company of such a boring person, I came here to…talk. If you like."

Levi's expression didn't change for some time. He didn't seem much interested in what she was saying. "Maybe I should ask you. If I'm so scary, why bother? That duty thing again?"

"Yes," Sif answered honestly. "And because I want to." His eyes opened minimally wider as she said this. She shook her head with a self-effacing shrug. "But I'm at your service, Captain Levi. Whatever you want to do." She looked deeply into his eyes, braving her own guilt and insecurity to add softly, "You have an ally in me, if you want one. Captain."

She might have imagined a softening in his sharp expression as he took this in silently. His eyes crossed down to her hands, which were tensed at her sides. He must have observed that they were shaking, but kindly said nothing. He met her gaze again. "Good timing. I just got to a boring part," he said, holding up a small book that had been folded between his arms.

As Sif blinked in surprise, Levi left the door open as he turned back inside his room. Hesitantly, she stepped inside, unable to stop from looking around curiously.

"Shut the door."

Sif turned and lightly shut the door behind her. Though the sun was almost set, Captain Levi had lit a lamp in a high corner of the room, which lit it apparently well enough to read by. His room was unsurprisingly spotless, his uniform already put away even though they'd only been off duty for less than an hour. At his desk, with his back to her, he was lighting a match under a metal and glass contraption, one of several things in this room that spoke of elegance.

"I've only got coffee," he said. "Want some?"

"Thank you, sir," she replied with a nod.

"Take a seat then and stop hovering like a banshee."

"Yes, sir."

She would have preferred to sit in the desk chair and let the captain sit on his own bed, but he was standing in front of it. Reluctantly, she moved over and took a seat at the foot of the bed. She was surprised that directly across from her at this angle was a book shelf with quite a few books on it. He'd apparently been reading when she came in.

"You read, Captain?" she asked in a neutral tone.

He scowled darkly down at her. "Something wrong with a brat from the Underground being able to read?"

She backtracked, shaking her head. "Sorry, I meant you enjoy it. As a past time."

He shrugged, apparently not as offended as he'd seemed. "I don't get anything complicated, but Erwin recommends war novels sometimes. They're not bad."

"War novels. I see," she repeated, disliking the genre herself but interested by this unexpected fact about him.

"You do anything except kill titans and play with horses?" Levi asked, pulling out the desk chair and sitting in it, folding one lithe leg over the other. She breathed a little sigh of relief that he hadn't elected to sit with her on the bed.

Sif shook her head. "No."

"I'm not one to talk, but I believe you about being a boring person," Levi commented with his head on his hand and bouncing his foot a little. If she didn't know better, she'd say he was amused. "Spend any time with friends?"

Sif shrugged. "Now and then. But being around people makes me tired. I'd rather be alone or with horses."

Levi's eyebrow twitched again. "Scary and tiring. My list of sins keeps increasing."

She quickly shook her head. "I don't feel tired around you, Captain. Your energy level is low and you don't talk loudly, so it's not so draining to be around you."

"I don't know if you think that's a compliment, but it didn't sound like one," Levi drawled irritably. He glanced back at the water as it started to boil. He adjusted something and the water began to drip through the coffee grounds and produce a pleasant smell. He turned back to Sif with his head on his hand again. "And family?"

"What about them?"

"Do you ever see them?"

"No, sir. They're all dead. Except my brother, and I don't see him."

Levi's eyes widened minimally. He clearly hadn't expected that. Sif had been told before that she sometimes said shocking things without warning, but she didn't like showing sadness openly. It seemed to make it worse. "I see. In the Fall?" he asked.

"My father and older brother were in the Operation to Retake Maria," she said, and Captain Levi's brows drew together. "My mother was an accident, about two years after that. She got kicked when some of the horses were panicked in a storm. The doctor said she bled too much inside to save her." Sif shrugged. "So now my little brother runs the farm with his wife. They're happy. I don't want to bother them too much."

Levi took this in silently, watching the floor. He glanced up at the coffee maker and decided there were enough for two cups. He put out the flame and took a spare cup from a small cabinet on the wall. He poured coffee into the two cups and handed one to Sif. He rested his hand over the top of his cup to protect it from dust and sighed thoughtfully.

"Well that sounds pretty par for the course. I'm surprised Historia wanted me to hear that."

"Sir?"

"Ah," he said, and Sif noticed he often seemed annoyed when he had forgotten to explain himself. "Nothing. Historia said you had a good family, that's all."

"I did," Sif said without hesitation. "I do, and I still love those that lost their lives. They taught me that grief is just another form of love. And those that are gone still live in our memories, though every moment with them is precious. I was never unhappy growing up. And memories of them still sustain me now." But after saying this, Sif frowned a little. "I never told Her Majesty that."

Levi didn't seem to have much of a reaction to what she'd just said. If anything, she thought the clouded over expression that tugged the corners of his mouth downward expressed mild confusion. At length, he looked away with a long outward breath. He took a sip of coffee.

"Is it more painful to have it and lose it, or never have it at all?" he muttered philosophically. "Maybe it doesn't matter, everyone's miserable in a world like this."

"Really? I think never at all is worse," Sif said almost immediately. He raised an eyebrow at her, as it had clearly been a rhetorical question. "If I could chose, I'd still chose to love them and lose them ten times over rather than never have known them."

But to her surprise, Levi nodded. "I can see that." He took another sip of coffee.

"Captain," Sif said, gathering her courage. "Have you never loved anyone?"

Levi looked away, clearly lost in some memories she shouldn't try to stir up, but at length he shrugged. "I don't know. Might not be the same thing you're talking about. It's a word that people over-use so it loses its meaning."

Sif nodded. "There are many different kinds of love. But at their root, I think they're the same."

Levi raised his eyebrows. "If that were true, incest wouldn't be a crime."

Sif's lips parted and she blinked in surprise, not having anticipated that response. "Yes…love and lust are definitely two different things. But the way love changes you, makes you sick but also makes you better, I think that's the same."

Levi watched her interestedly for a moment, sipping his coffee as usual with his hand still covering it. "Do you have someone you love, Sif?"

A warm shiver ran up Sif's whole body, not just at the fact that he had so casually used her name, almost like they were friends. He must know the answer. Why was he asking? She couldn't tell from his cold, perpetually tired expression whether he was joking. She couldn't quite take the risk of answering completely honestly, in case it might disgust him. She settled for a partial truth.

"Yes," she said. She took a sip of coffee, hiding her eyes beneath her hair and trying to pretend her cheeks weren't hot.

"And lust?"

She froze. Was he just looking for an excuse to make her leave? Or to break off this arrangement? There was no way that the germaphobe, Captain Levi Ackerman, was flirting or being suggestive. Possibly he was asking out of clinical curiosity, but even so it was not safe to enter this minefield.

"I've felt lust before, yes," she answered honestly. "You haven't, Captain?"

Levi scoffed, looking surprised that she'd turned the question back on him. "Have I ever wanted to fuck someone? Not really. Done it a couple of times, mostly out of curiosity. But I can't say I get the appeal."

"In that case, this situation is especially cruel for you," Sif observed.

"Thanks for the sympathy, but it doesn't help."

A thought occurred to Sif, along with a trickle of anger that she was still trying to let go of. "And when you kissed me? What that curiosity too?"

Levi paused, gaze cast up at the ceiling. "Oh yeah. I did do that. Sorry, I can't remember. Something in the air maybe."

Sif's eyebrow twitched. That was a non-answer. Again, she couldn't tell if he was joking, but that didn't seem in his character. So then the only other option was that he really just didn't care enough to have considered what he was doing. Well, there was no point dwelling over it. It would just make her angry, or hope for more when there was no possibility of receiving it.

"What's the point?" Levi continued, to her surprise. As he looked blankly ahead of him, she sensed he had worn this vaguely lonely expression for a long time and become accustomed to it. "Even if my genes weren't all messed up," he added in an undertone. "You've been here for a while. How many Survey Corps do you know who even try to love anyone?"

Sif considered, a sad topic and one that most Survey Corps avoided for obvious reasons. It didn't need saying out loud among them. "Maybe two."

"They happy?"

"Sometimes. I think."

"And I think you're talking out of your ass," Levi replied, though without any ill will. She sensed the reality was something he'd accepted a long time ago, but still felt distant anger over. "I've seen it a lot over the years, and it's always the same. Fear and being apart makes people crazy. Makes them much more miserable than those that don't try. And if they have a kid, that's one more person to cry and starve when they get eaten."

"And yet they keep doing it."

Levi unfolded his legs and switched the top one. "Yeah?"

"If it were really that bad, I think you wouldn't have seen so much of it over the years. Not that I know," Sif added with a shrug.

"Even though you have someone you love?" Levi pressed.

"Someone unattainable. Might as well be a ghost."

Levi's gaze as he watched her right then was making her body feel hot, even though little had changed about it from a few moments ago. "What kind of person?" he asked softly.

Sif's eyes fluttered as she blinked nervously, looking down at the coffee in her hands. "A noble person."

Levi balked. "Are you serious? You mean like a pig in the interior?"

"Not that kind of noble," Sif muttered dismissively. "A graceful and selfless person. Strong, quiet and kind. Unforgiving in some ways, but honest and straightforward. That kind of noble."

Levi looked away from her. He seemed to sit with that for a moment. It almost looked as if he were happy, but it was hard to tell. "Hm," he said at length. "I don't know anyone like that," he concluded, but now sounded bitter.

"Then I'm sorry for you." Sif took another sip of coffee. She watched the remainder in her hands for a moment as she contemplated whether it was a good idea to ask the question that came to mind. She knew it would only hurt her. But she wanted to know. "And you, Captain?"

"Hm?"

"If you've felt love, or could, what kind of person would it be?"

Levi's gaze remained on her eyes in what seemed like criticism for a moment before it drifted away. He covered his mouth with his hand, setting down his coffee. He took so long to answer, she thought he might be angry. And when he eventually did, she didn't quite understand it.

"You're not bad to talk to, so I forget what it means to have you here. This feeling of being invaded. I don't know what I should say to you."

Thought she didn't understand exactly what he meant, pain crept steadily into her heart as she processed this. Why had she even asked that? Best case scenario, she would only have heard about some person she had no possibility of ever becoming. Instead, she had been reminded of what a burden her very existence was placing on Levi, and in what way he thought of her. They sat in silence together for quite a while.

Sif finished her coffee and braved her nerves to walk over to the desk and place the empty cup beside where Levi was sitting. "Thank you for the coffee, sir. And for talking with me. I enjoyed it."

Levi didn't respond for a moment, still seeming lost in thought. To her surprise, she felt his fingers touch hers. She gasped and almost retracted her hand out of impulse. She tried to calm herself as this felt a little like an unsociable horse on a rare day of desiring a human contact. Levi held her hand gently without moving for some time. He still seemed deep in thought.

"Is it disgusting?" she asked him in almost a whisper, though not wanting this moment to end.

"I've done a lot more disgusting things," Levi quipped, though again that wasn't really an answer. "It's warm. Kind of tingly." He looked up at her searchingly. "Is it worth all the trouble?"

Sif shook her head, even though her heart was pounding. "I can't tell you that. But you can try for yourself."

Slowly, without letting go of his hand, Sif knelt before him. With their difference in heights and Levi seated, he was now just a few inches taller than her. She drew a little closer so their faces were close enough to feel one another's breath, and then stopped, letting Levi make the decision. His eyes flicked between hers and her mouth. His breath came slowly. He closed the distance between them just a little, and hesitated again. Sif badly wanted to kiss him, but she held back, her lips parting. Finally, Levi's lips touched hers again.

She shook from the top of her head to her toes as heat and excitement traveled through her body. Her chest felt lighter than air. Her eyes flicked open to see that Levi's were closed, his brows drawn tight together. It even seemed that he was enjoying it until suddenly Sif felt cold as a firm hand pushed her backward.

"I can't do this," Levi said, looking as if he might be ill. "Go back to your room."

Sif felt that her whole body was suddenly made of lead. Despair and pain struck her so deeply she actually couldn't move for a moment. But then she realized she's be hated more if she stayed. Without allowing a single emotion to reach her face, she got to her feet. She even saluted, though she couldn't speak. When she dared look at Levi again, his hand was covering his eyes and he seemed ashamed.

That was worse than anything.

Sif forced her heavy legs to the door and left, closing it behind her. She shifted one foot after another down the hall until she stumbled and leaned against the wall. She slid down it, to her knees on the ground. It hurt so deeply she didn't even cry. She felt empty. Worthless. This was all such a mess. She had had more than some people ever would, a kiss with the one she loved. But how was it that having a little of some forbidden thing then made one wish for more? How could she love someone who hated her with his entire body?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Levi's hand as it covered his eyes was shaking. He felt a little better after Sif was gone, but this was all too much. He was getting confused. Traumatic memories he could normally suppress kept hounding him, new feelings causing guilt and self-hatred to surge. And he was starting to lose track of what he even wanted.

After letting himself calm a little, he slipped on a jacket and left his room, heading toward the Commander's office. He knew Erwin would still be at work at this hour, as he normally never stopped before sunset. Once he arrived, Levi opened the door without knocking, kicked it closed and wordlessly walked in to take a seat across from the person he trusted and relied upon most in the world.

Erwin, who had been reviewing previous mission statements, blinked at the surprise guest, but did not comment. He placed a marker in the volume he had open, closed it and offered Levi a knowing smile.

"Levi. Something I can help you with?"

Levi folded his hands over his mouth and stared hard at the desk between them. He considered the many approaches he could take. To ask Erwin to take his side against Historia and put this off. To ask for advice about what he should do. To take Historia's second option, "freezing his seed", and put the issue out of his mind. But for many reasons, each of these options was more abhorrent to Levi than the other. He closed his eyes with a sigh.

Erwin watched all of this pass over Levi's face without criticism. Eventually he leaned back in his chair, turning his head to glance out the window at the sunset. "You understand why we asked you to do this," Erwin murmured. It wasn't a question.

Levi scowled in anger, but he nodded.

"Are you afraid the child won't be cared for?"

He glared up at Erwin. "Thanks for reminding me about that problem too."

Erwin glanced high to his side to consider another answer. "You disapprove of Hange's choice, then?"

"The least of my problems. But now that you mention it, thanks for choosing someone I don't know from Adam. It's been really fun getting to know someone I've been told to fuck and get pregnant immediately."

"You would have preferred a friend?"

Levi shrugged. "Depends on the friend. I'd probably do it with you, but that would probably cause more problems than it solves."

Erwin took that in with nothing more than an interested nod. "All right, Levi. So what concerns you?"

Levi balked at Erwin's inability or refusal to understand something so basic. "I'm not an animal. That's what _concerns_ me," Levi growled, though aware he probably looked like one now. "You're supposed to be a genius. How is this so hard for you?"

Erwin's normally serene expression faded, revealing the unfeeling monster he kept hidden within. It was starkly visible in the warm evening light, even while in partial shadow from the window behind him. Eventually he spoke in a soft voice that nevertheless seemed to fill the room with pressure.

"You know, if I could breed titan-shifters, I'd do that too."

Levi felt his muscles tighten in place. He couldn't move under Erwin's gaze.

"Underage or not," Erwin continued in a steady tone. "I'd be saying the same things to Eren that I'm saying to you. What do you think? What would he do, in your position?"

"He's a suicidal brat who has no pleasure in life except killing titans. Like someone else I know," Levi pronounced with a critical glance at Erwin.

"You agree he would do it then?" Erwin confirmed, a trace of humor in the sidelong glance he gave Levi. He nodded to himself. "Yes, most likely he would. But I disagree about his reason. It's not because he wants to defeat the titans as badly as I do, although certainly he does. But because, unlike you, even that half-monster boy has never questioned his own humanity. Or worthiness to be among other humans. He doesn't associate filth with spiritual impurity either, or use it as an excuse not to make connections with people."

Levi's jaw muscles tensed as the shame that Erwin's words brought rolled over him. He knew this was Erwin's game. He could talk the bark off a tree, so of course he could convince anyone that he was right, and even to be happy about it. But even knowing this about Erwin, Levi couldn't help feeling deeply shaken at the truth in these words. In all honesty, though there were many problems, that was the one that most made him hesitant to obey this fucked up order: he'd always doubted whether he was really human. And that was why he didn't deserve to bring another creature like himself into the world.

"But I still don't quite understand your concern, Levi. Have you forgotten? Even if you can't obey this request, you have other options," Erwin continued in the same cold, logical tone. "Would you rather Mikasa take your place? Force a sixteen-year-old girl to either have a child, or be imprisoned to keep her safe until she's old enough? I think you know that's the only way to keep Mikasa from protecting Eren with her life. Or you could elect to stay behind yourself, stay safe from battle in comfort and perfect health like a prize bull – or perhaps like those you are so pleased to call "pigs" in the interior – until we either win this fight or you change your mind. And either way, the Survey Corps will be without one of its most crucial assets for the foreseeable future. You could do that. Or you could give a sample to Hange. Put it out of your mind. They'll take care of the rest. It seems to me it's still your choice, and you have any number of ways out of this situation if you so choose."

Levi ran his fingers along his lower lip as he tried to cool the rising rage inside him. He flicked his gaze to Erwin after he had managed to do that. "Hey, Erwin. You know, you're a heartless, and unhelpful, son of a bitch. Anyone ever tell you that?"

Erwin chuckled, giving a sideways nod. "Not in so many words. I hope this at least clears things up a little for you, Levi."

Levi sighed, standing up and moving toward the door without another word.

"Although the decision may be made for you if you hesitate too long," Erwin added almost as an afterthought.

Levi stopped where he stood. He rounded a piercing glare on Erwin as the one-armed commander sat there, hardly a change in his expression. "Erwin, I'm very angry right now. Explain. Before I kick you in the dick."

Erwin covered his mouth with his hand to hide a smile before growing relatively serious again. "Someone came into my office not ten minutes before you got here. She said she'd rather be discharged from the army – and face the consequences of that – than allow this violation of your rights to continue. I only just convinced her to give it some time. But that won't last long, I would guess. Who knows? Maybe her persistence will change Her Majesty's mind."

In those few sentences of new information, Levi's heart began to feel strained, a feeling he didn't understand at first. At first, he was almost offended. No one had ever fought like that for him before, without any expectation of personal gain. It felt uncomfortable, ticklish almost. A strange combination of being exposed and somehow comforted against his will.

After letting this sink in, Levi glanced back at Erwin again. "And you?"

Erwin took a moment to consider. Levi should have been nervous; Erwin rarely needed such time and usually took it for effect. "Me? Hmm. I would prefer not to lose Mikasa," he said simply.

A slight chill ran up Levi's spine. He looked away, his jaw tightening unconsciously. He should have known. In that small and not even strongly worded statement, Erwin had not only expressed that having both Ackermans available to fight was more important to him than Levi's will or right to bodily autonomy, but that he was determined to go through with this whether Historia ordered it or not.

"That so?" Levi muttered, turning and leaving Erwin's office.

"Take care, Levi," Erwin called after him. Even that was an order. Bastard. Well, that ruthlessness was part of what Levi liked about him though.

Levi had no choice but to leave it at that for the night and go to sleep (though not very soundly or very long). The next day's practice and chores allowed enough busyness until mid-afternoon for him not to think. But as soon as he finished everything he had to do, he sighed. His thoughts were getting all twisted up again and it became hard to even think of a solution. Levi headed toward the stables, intending to settle himself by tending Gerulf. But on the way, he passed by the officer's barracks. He didn't need anything so he would have walked right by, but he heard a loud bang from around the corner. He stopped.

When he rounded the corner, he saw two people in the midst of what looked to be a fight. The first, he was able to recognize from this angle as Hange. They had a grimace of fear and surprise on their face and were backed against a wall, slightly hunched down. The reason for that was a forearm and fist pressed into a slightly indented spot on the wooden wall, just a few inches above Hange's head. The person belonging to that fist had their face concealed by their arm from this angle, but Levi recognized the mousy brown ponytail.

"Okay…I hear you…" Hange was saying, smiling inexplicably, despite still showing fear. "You don't need to convince me. I'll talk to him, but look…I wouldn't expect much."

Sif, for that was who was apparently threatening Hange, said nothing at first. She slowly retracted her fist from the wall but remained far too close to Hange for comfort. Finally, with a soft huff as an angry horse might make, Sif turned and strode away.

Levi frowned sharply at this display. As Sif passed out of sight, he approached Hange, who was still slumped down a little as they leaned against the wall, eyes wide and watching after Sif. Levi leaned against the wall beside them, waiting for Hange to notice him. When they didn't, he kicked the exposed bottom of one of their feet, encouraging them to stand properly.

"Keep it together, freak. What was that about?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing." Hange straightened and grinned at Levi somewhat distastefully. "Whew. Sorry. I got a little excited there."

Levi's eyebrow twitched. "I always wondered which way you swing."

Hange tossed up their hands. "Jury's out on that one. I'll get back to you." They adjusted their glasses with one last look in Sif's direction, then started to leave.

"Hey. I'm not done with you," Levi demanded.

Though still facing away, Hange stopped walking and rested one hand on their hip with a heavy sigh. They waved a hand dismissively, still with their back to Levi. "Ah…don't worry about that. Must not be fun, huh," they muttered, though it was said so softly it might have been intended as inner monologue. "Even being forced to do it with someone you like is wrong, isn't it? Ha ha. My bad, Levi."

"Oh? What's this, you changing sides?" Levi drawled, walking up to stand level with them and see their face.

Hange scratched the back of their neck, head tilted in thought. But moments later, they turned an unreadable grin down on Levi. "I follow orders, you know. Erwin needs people he can trust, no matter what. Has he ever been wrong before, when he asked us to trust him?"

Coldness invaded Levi's chest as he looked up at Hange now with betrayal. "This isn't a trap for a titan. It's not a ploy to smoke out traitors among us. We all know what will happen, and the only person negatively affected by it is me. That's why Erwin and Historia think they can fuck with me."

Hange's smile faded, meeting Levi's gaze with equal coldness. "Oh, now…" they muttered, then gave an awkward, mirthless laugh. "I'm on your side, Levi. If I were in Erwin's position I'd never ask this of you. I think it's sick. I want you to know that so you understand what I mean when I say, you are being a selfish ass if you think you're the only one who'll be hurt by what Erwin and Historia are doing."

Levi met Hange's gaze, catching the glimmer of anger mixed with pity and hurt there. So now he had to feel pity for Hange too? _On my side, huh?_ he thought bitterly. _People keep saying that, but everyone who does seems to be full of shit._

"I'm not actually that interested in your troubles at the moment, Hange," Levi muttered.

"Hah!" Hange crowed. "On that count I don't blame you. But I wasn't talking about me." Hange nodded behind them, toward the direction Sif had disappeared to. With that, Hange departed, leaving Levi to figure it out on his own.

In truth, Levi saw that Hange was nearly as disturbed by these events as he was, not that that made him remorseful about his attitude. And then he realized, even if this plan succeeded, Sif would be giving up a minimum of nine months of her life. More, if she raised the child herself. She had agreed to let another human being grow inside her, feeding off her like a parasite, and then popping out a screaming, pooping, barfing, instinct-only animal that would one day develop the complexity of an entire human soul, with all its joys, pains and fears. What must it feel like, to even consider agreeing to that? Levi already felt sick even thinking about contributing to a new person in the world. If he had to grow one inside him, much less care for it, he'd probably sooner die. But as soon as he thought of how Sif had also offered to give up her livelihood, and possibly risk prison for desertion in an attempt to protect his wishes, he felt guilt drive a knife into the pit of his stomach. Yes, this whole thing was making him feel like shit. But it was also making a good person suffer, and that made him feel even shittier.

As he finally got to the stable to give Gerulf some attention, one thing he kept wondering was why Sif would go so far for him. Levi never claimed to be a saint, but he was sure he wouldn't go back to starving in the Underground for anyone. Not Erwin, not Eren, not for all of humanity unless there was no other choice. Part of him still feared the lawless world that he had left. He knew he could still survive there if he had to, but after all this time, going back to the dark and the filth, and no escape, never feeling the sunlight again, he wondered if it might break him. He might stop sleeping again. The thought of the madness that had briefly brought made his neck feel frozen stiff, and he abandoned that line of thinking quickly.

Sif had probably never known that particular kind of despair, so maybe that was why. But if members of her family were in the Retake Maria Operation, then she would be familiar with hunger. Wasn't she afraid of that? She was afraid of Levi, she said so. Yet she had also implied that she was in love with him. Using some very beautiful words that Levi was sure she mostly imagined and were untrue. Yet it still made him happy, in a slightly uncomfortable way, that someone thought of him that way. What an irrational contradiction. It reminded Levi of the way Sif had described love, which sounded almost like an illness.

Levi sighed heavily, once again unable to come to any conclusion on his own. "You want to ride?" Levi asked Gerulf at length, as he combed his mane.

Gerulf puffed out a breath of air, stepping forward and leaning his shoulder on Levi.

"All right," Levi said, setting down the comb and examining his hands, which contained traces of dirt and grease. His mouth tensed and eyebrow twitched. "I'll wash my hands first. You're disgusting."

Levi could have sworn that Gerulf showed an unamused face as he said this, but he was a long-suffering and understanding horse, so if he had an opinion, he let it go. Levi left the stable briefly to go to the infirmary, which had the nearest sink with soap in it. When he entered, there was a soldier being seen by the nurse. As Levi washed his hands, he glanced at the soldier, who was sitting on a bed with her head in her hand as if in despair. The other hand was stretched out away from her and being tended by the nurse. The nurse finished what he was doing, wrapping the soldier's knuckles in a bandage, and walked away.

As he did, the soldier glanced up, noticing Levi for the first time. Green eyes widened behind mousy bangs. Levi raised an eyebrow. He was running into her a lot these days.

"Sit tight for a second," the nurse was saying. "I'll get you something for the pain."

"It's fine," Sif said, standing and heading for the door.

"Oy," Levi barked.

She stopped just a step from the door.

Levi sighed, finished washing his hands and dried them on a towel. "You just going to run away whenever you see me now?"

Sif didn't answer. She clearly just wanted to leave. Levi also might have imagined it, but it looked like her eyes were red, even though the only emotion showing in her face was slight frustration in the tightening of her eyebrows.

Levi walked up to her so they were only about two feet apart, though she still faced the door and refused to look at him. He glanced at her hand, which she had obviously injured when threatening Hange. "Stupid," he muttered, without malice. "You should have gotten that treated right away."

Sif's hand tightened, but she forced it to loosen, perhaps trying to hide emotion. "I was angry. I didn't realize."

"Hm," Levi muttered, gazing at the slightly swollen knuckles. His chest felt inexplicably tight as he did. "And why get so worked up? You don't seem like the type to get easily carried away."

Sif still refused to answer, staring hard at the door handle as if trying to wish away Levi's presence.

Levi continued watching her, looking for a break in the mask. He knew it wouldn't help the situation, but he couldn't help this desire to know. To put more pressure on her, and aware the nurse was still watching them, Levi reached out to her. He wrapped his fingers lightly around her wrist.

Sif's eyes fluttered. Her head lowered as if in pleading, but she still said nothing.

"Duty again?" Levi pressed. "That's weird, in this case. Do you always threaten superior officers and desert your post for the sake of duty?"

Finally Sif glanced at him, her lips parted in surprise that he knew about those things, but she soon realized it wasn't surprising. She looked away from him again. Her lips parted and she glanced nervously at her wrist, as if she wanted to ask him to let go. But apparently she gave up, closing her mouth and turning her gaze back to the door, expressionless.

"Say something," Levi said, starting to get frustrated. "I don't mind making it an order."

"Deserters don't take orders," Sif said coldly.

"Oh. Are you deserting right now?" Levi demanded, still refusing to let go of her wrist. Sif's mouth hardened in frustration, but she acknowledged the sentiment. She wasn't planning on leaving right this moment. "Good. Then let's take a walk."

Reluctantly, since not doing so would effectively be getting on a fast track to discharge, Sif followed. Levi led her not to his room or a private place to talk, but rather back to the stable.

"Did that stallion's geld take this time?" Levi asked as they walked down the long stable.

Sif frowned at him with suspicion. But she shook her head and answered, "Too soon to tell."

"Is he too wild?"

Sif glanced toward the stallion's pen, considering. Reluctantly meeting Levi's gaze again, she shook her head.

"Saddle him up then."

Sif's jaw muscles visibly clenched, though it would seem she was trying to keep emotion from her face. Her good hand tightened.

"What's the problem?" Levi demanded, as she made no move to obey.

"If you have a concern, we can talk about it here, sir," she said, in a stiff and official voice she had not used with him up until now. "There's no reason to leave the base."

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. "You don't want to be alone with me?"

"We are alone, sir."

Levi could tell there was anger rising in her voice. This fact in itself was really started to piss him off. Did she love him or not? Why was she so determined not to show it? "I want to talk to you, and Gerulf needs exercise. Unless you have some other reason?"

Sif took a breath as if to answer, but stopped. Finally, a hint of definite emotion overtook her face. It was pain. Suddenly, Levi felt a stab of guilt; did it pain her to be around him? Nevertheless, Sif didn't object again. She went to saddle the stallion without another word, and soon emerged from his pen to meet Levi and Gerulf. Once again, they rode out to the fields of Wall Rose.

Though he had forced her to come on the premise that he wanted to talk, Levi said nothing for a long stretch as they rode. When he glanced at Sif, the anger from before had all but vanished. Her eyes were empty, lost, almost giving up. That was it. Whatever it was that was motivating her right now, he had to know. As Hange said, he wasn't the only one hurt by all of this, and it was probably the one thing he and Sif had in common.

On impulse, Levi gradually urged Gerulf into a run. Sif was initially surprised by this and fell behind, but in moments, she and the stallion – whom she had been calling Everard – joined his run and caught up. Sif seemed grateful for the necessity to move muscles and the speed of the wind making talking impossible. She hunkered down and urged Everard faster.

The two pairs fought for the lead. Worries seemed farther away and even unimportant in this simple world of bright sunlight, the smell of trees, the pounding of hooves over the grass. Gerulf and Everard pulled hard at the earth as if to change its direction. Everard even nodded his head wildly in excitement with uneven breaths. Levi urged Gerulf onward to outstrip him.

At last they reached a rocky and uneven slope and had to slow down. But they kept walking higher, toward an outcropping from which the wall and part of Trost could be seen. Wordlessly, both Sif and Levi dismounted here to look out over the landscape. Levi led Gerulf to a tree and tied him there, petting him and encouraging him to rest and breathe slowly. Sif soon followed, tying up Everard nearby.

Levi stared hard at Sif, as it felt like her guard was finally down. "All right," he said sharply, catching her attention. He walked around Gerulf to stand near the edge of the slope, looking back toward Trost. "We're outside the base. Outside Trost. Miles away from any other human, for the moment. And we didn't even tell anyone where we were going. So if you bullshit here, you're mostly bullshitting yourself."

Sif sighed. Eventually, she joined him, standing at his side a couple of meters distant, looking back toward the city. "Captain…" she murmured after a long pause. "Please tell me…what to do."

Levi glanced at her. Apart from a slight increase in her breathing and a trace of pain in her eyes, her face still showed little emotion.

"I…tried to help, but discovered I'm powerless. I can't help you," she said, lowering her head and clenching her fists.

"You discharge certainly won't," Levi grunted. "But what about lying to Erwin? Didn't you say you were my ally?"

Suddenly, Sif faced him and stepped within a few feet of him. "It can't be me," she said, though now in a passionate whisper. "You…you tried," she said almost inaudibly, and he saw her eyes start to grow red. "It can't be me. You can't…be around someone who makes you feel so disgusted. But if I give up the mission, it will only go to someone else, start this whole thing all over again. And you'll have to go through that again. They'll force you, and there's nothing I can do. Please…tell me what to do."

As she said this final plea, her voice had trickled away to almost nothingness. Her chin practically on her chest, her fists clenched and shaking. Levi though he saw a sparkle of water drop from behind her bangs to the ground at her feet. His lips parted as he watched. His chest felt cracked, a wedge driven straight through it. What was this good person doing, trying so hard for a monster like him?

"Why can't it be you?" he murmured, not thinking too hard about what the answer might be.

Sif's head whipped up and to Levi's surprise, he saw anger surfacing above the sadness. Suddenly, her hands grasped him around his waist and the back of his neck, pulling him close. Levi felt a thrill rise from the skin where she touched and all up the center of his body.

She grasped his chin in her hand and whispered sharply, "This is why! Because even knowing it disgusts you, I spend every second thinking about you. You make my heart ache like you've driven a hole through it. And every time we touch I think how much I'd like to hold you. It can't be me…" she murmured again, the fire of anger once again dying into sadness. She gently pushed him away. "Please tell me what to do…Levi…"

Levi took a few steadying breaths. His skin still felt hot where she was touching him, and when he watched her mouth twist in anguish, his own eyes began to feel hot. He wanted to see her face again, wanted to pursue this crude aching in his heart. Without breaking her grip against his shoulder and waist, he reached up to tilt her chin up so he could see her face. She looked back pleadingly at him, her eyes red and tears dropping steadily from them, her nose growing red and moist, her lips redder than normal and twisted painfully.

As the tightening in his chest increased, even while a strange happiness filled his stomach, Levi almost smiled. "Disgusting," he murmured. "But not bad."

He wrapped his arms around her neck and pulled her in, indulging in a deep kiss. Sif whimpered against his lips, freezing for a moment. In the next, her hands grasped the small of his back and the back of his head, hesitantly encouraging him. But finally they clenched into self-effacing fists.

Though clearly in turmoil, she managed to push him back. "Captain…why?" she whispered, her voice breaking.

Levi thought about that as he watched her crying face, still tingling both from the kiss and the overpowering sensation of being loved so deeply. "Back at you," he muttered. "Why would you want to love someone so twisted?"

Sif struggled to answer, but eventually shook her head. "Why do the stars shine? My loving you is the same constant, meaningless beauty as that."

"Heh," Levi scoffed, smirking. "I don't hate that either."

Though moved to start crying anew by Levi's words, at seeing his smile, Sif once again grasped the side of his face. Her eyes poured over every inch of his face, fascinated. Finally, she closed the distance between them and kissed him again. Levi felt electricity running up his spine, while warmth gathered in the center of his body, now pressed tight to Sif's.

Unlike the few previous partner's that he'd had, Sif did not try to make herself smaller or more passive to compensate for Levi's height, but instead held him close and touched him the way he'd seen men touch women before. Indeed, part of Levi's dispassion toward sex was the expectation that he had to take the lead, making decisions instead of sinking into the moment. But now, as she briefly released his lips to watch him affectionately, running a hand through his hair and placing a kiss on his cheek, then chin, and then neck, he didn't need to think about anything. He shivered and let out a hard breath as her teeth nipped his ear just as one of her hands roamed up across his chest.

As Levi's eyes happened to flicker open at one point, he weirdly happened to meet Gerulf's gaze. The horse was apparently fascinated by whatever his master was doing. And that certainly caused cold water to be dumped over Levi's fire.

"Hey," he said abruptly.

Sif froze. Her touch became feather-light against his skin but it seemed she wasn't sure if moving would make worse whatever apparent wrong she had committed. "Yes…sir?" she murmured.

Levi rolled his eyes at the immediate regression back to superior and subordinate. "Look. Horse audience aside, if we go any further than this here, it will mean getting some things dirty that should never be dirty," he muttered with a deep and unforgiving scowl. He considered for a moment and then added, "Let's go back to my room."

Though staring at the ground with a deep blush over her cheeks, Sif nodded numbly. "I love you," she whispered, so out of the blue he barely caught it.

Levi blinked, a strange, painfully bright feeling bubbling up in his chest. He pulled her close and kissed her once again. "Much good though it does you," Levi commented as their lips parted. "You're not bad either."

Sif let out a shaking breath, her fingers briefly tightening against Levi's clothing, then reluctantly letting him go as they both moved to untie their horses. They mounted and began the careful journey back down the slope.

As they traveled, Levi added, "That said, two things: first, if you call me 'sir' when we're off duty again, I'm going to get high blood pressure. Second, I can accept some level of disgusting, but if you proposition me when we're outdoors again, I can't be held responsible for what I throw up on you."

"Yes, sir," Sif replied with her usual emotionless expression, if perhaps a hint of humor at the corner of her mouth.

"Hey, horse brat," Levi growled. "You know I have no sense of humor, right?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Breakfast that morning began with the usual fight about whether Eren had enough food. Mikasa objected to Eren's modest portion of stew and was trying to augment it with her own. Eren protested but eventually rolled his eyes and accepted, realizing as usual that he had to pick his battles. As he glanced up from his food, Eren frowned at something unusual at the other end of the hall.

Armin looked up from his food, noticing Eren's gaze. "Eren? Did you see something?"

"Oh…no, just Captain Levi," Eren muttered, returning his attention to his dinner after one more glance. He was surprised that this was the second time he'd seen Captain Levi together with a private he had never really spoken to before. He'd seen her outrun an aberrant before, using equestrian skill to assist in at least one titan kill, but he'd never thought much of her because she wasn't very quick in 3DMG. Why was she with the unsociable captain? Was he trying to recruit for a new Levi Squad? Eren admitted to himself a tiny flicker of jealousy. He finished most of his food, trying to put it out of his mind.

"What's going on with Captain Levi lately?" asked someone at the table behind.

"You mean why is he always with that gloomy horse girl? I know. It's creepy."

Across the table from Eren, Armin glanced up in surprise at the contents of the overheard conversation. Even Mikasa stopped to listen.

One of the soldiers at the other table whispered to the other, "I heard someone saw them go into the officer's barracks together last night."

Eren's eyes widened. His grip on his fork tightened. Armin and Mikasa both saw this and exchanged a glance, preparing for a possible bad reaction coming.

The soldiers at the other table continued, "You're joking! You don't think they're really…"

"Captain Levi? Never. But there's definitely something weird there."

"More importantly, why _her_? Mankind's greatest warrior could have anyone he wanted. Why pick that?"

"I know, it's gross. Just look at her, she's so dull and dirty she blends into the landscape."

"Maybe she's stalking him."

"Actually, I heard she prefers horses, if you know what I mean."

"Ha ha. Hey. Does that mean Captain Levi is hung like a-"

Eren's head whipped around to stare at the two soldiers, both of whom flinched under his gaze and stopped talking. He looked back toward where Captain Levi and the person they'd been talking about were sitting. There was nothing intimate about the way they were sitting. In fact for a while they weren't even talking. But then Captain Levi started up the conversation and the other person reluctantly joined. She seemed more interested in eating until at one point Levi looked closer at her face. He raised a hand to touch just under her eye with what looked like concern.

Eren was on his feet practically the same moment, far more shocked by that than the vulgar discussion he had overheard. "Nope," he said loudly to himself. He stalked out of the dining hall, soon followed by Mikasa and Armin.

"Eren!" Armin called after him in concern.

"Eren, you haven't finished," Mikasa muttered darkly.

…

"Your eyes are still red. How much did you cry yesterday?" Levi was saying, having touched Sif's face in full view of everyone in the mess hall.

Sif went utterly stiff, even stopped chewing a bite of bread in her mouth. When she had joined Captain Levi in his room last night, things had ended with no more than touching over their clothes. She was content with that, as she was still very concerned about doing anything Captain Levi found disgusting. But she hadn't gotten any memo about touching each other in public.

"Captain…Squad Leader Hange isn't even here…" Sif mumbled practically inaudibly, conscious of two of her friends and one of her sempais watching them.

But Levi had already moved his gaze elsewhere, frowning. "Eren just left in a huff," he growled irritably. "What's that brat up to?"

Grateful for the change of topic, Sif glanced toward the entrance of the mess hall, where Eren Jaeger, followed by Mikasa Ackerman and Armin…something (Sif couldn't remember his last name) were leaving in a hurry. She frowned. Eren Jaeger had a lot to be concerned about. And his concern was everyone's concern.

"Captain," came a voice from behind them.

Sif and Levi turned to see another former member of the 104th cadets, this one whose name Sif did not know at all, a tall boy with a long and ironic face. He opened his mouth to say something to Captain Levi, spotted Sif and flinched, looking surprised at her presence. He soon recovered himself, but still seemed a little off his footing.

"Sorry…you're busy," he muttered, turning away.

"What is it?" Levi barked.

The recruit pursed his lips, looking like he wanted to leave. "It's nothing urgent. Commander Erwin has been giving me some outside strategy training lately and suggested I should ask you for help as well."

Levi nodded. "If Erwin says so, I don't mind. But not now, I'm going to the orphanage this morning. Find me again sometime after midday."

The recruit saluted. He gave one last suspicious glance at Sif before making his way out of the mess hall.

Levi picked at his food before saying to Sif, "So like I just told him, I'll be at the orphanage all morning."

Sif nodded, appreciative to be informed but a little confused as to why. In her mind, nothing about her relationship with Captain Levi had changed except that he had accepted her presence. She still considered herself his subordinate, considered her being with him as duty, and was still distantly wondering how to help Levi out of this situation. As such, it was surprising to her that he would feel it necessary to inform her where he would be.

"Do you want to come?"

Sif had badly timed a sip of coffee and choked.

Levi flicked a sidelong gaze at her, including the drop of coffee that hit the table, and narrowed his eyes. "Your manners are horrific."

Sif quickly wiped her mouth and the table with a napkin. "To the orphanage, sir?"

Levi's scowl deepened. "When are you going to relax with the formal language? Yes, to the orphanage. That's where I'll be, so I'm asking if you want to come along. Why are you acting like I'm asking to go take a shit together or something?"

"I…" Sif had to stop and sort out what was going on. This was very confusing. "I don't think that I should…" she murmured softly, so those seated nearby couldn't hear. Levi had started to frown at her in irritation before she realized something. "Her Majesty will be there?"

"Historia?" Levi's gaze flicked upward in thought as he grasped his coffee cup over the top and brought it to his lips. "Most likely. She can't seem to find time to run the country, but she finds time to wipe gruel off tiny brat's faces."

Sif nodded. "She's truly a compassionate person."

Levi raised an eyebrow at her, though soon returned to his coffee. "If you say so." They went back to eating for a moment until Levi put down his cup and glared at her. "Hey. Why are we suddenly talking about Historia? Are you coming or not?"

Sif unconsciously hunched in on herself even more than she usually did, concealing most of her face behind her bangs. Even after apparently being accepted by him, it was still hard to feel Captain Levi's attention on her. "If you think I should…yes, sir."

She expected Captain Levi to either accept this or get irritated again (she still didn't know what had made him irritated in the first place), but when she glanced at his face, his frown was soft and almost inwardly focused. He looked down toward his coffee, mulling over her words.

"I asked you to come because I want you to," he muttered, with an unusual lack of bite in his tone. "But if you'd rather not, then don't worry about it."

Sif looked at him in surprise, having no idea what to make of this. She wasn't sure why Levi would want her to come if not to help establish the lie about their relationship. Or what his reaction meant when she tried to clarify what she thought was his own point. But a selfish reason made her simply abandon the thought. That being, an almost paralyzing fear of children.

Albeit she had agreed to bear Captain Levi's child, that was entirely out of loyalty and admiration toward the person himself and she hadn't really considered what raising a child would be like. Squad Leader Hange had also told her she could have as much or as little contact with the child as she wanted, so there was little to be afraid of there. Maybe if she thought about it being both Captain Levi's child and her own child, it wouldn't be so frightening, but she wasn't sure.

But something about the idea of meeting random children, who understood even less about the subtleties of communication than Sif did, and casually said hurtful things while at the same time being tiny impressionable little encyclopedias that absorbed every weird or harmful thing said to them, well they just represented every social danger and unpleasantness that Sif normally tried to avoid. In any case, if Levi was willing to drop the subject, she wanted to let it lie.

"All right, I'm going," Levi said, finishing his coffee and standing with his tray. "See you later."

Sif nodded in lieu of a salute. "Sir."

Though she thought Levi might have rolled his eyes at the formality, he was soon gone. She finished her own food at a leisurely pace and, after carrying away her tray and checking in with her superior, headed toward the nearest supply shed to start her daily chores. This week she was on outdoor duty, mostly cleaning gutters. She noticed a few people standing outside the shed, but didn't pay any attention at first. Until she tried to enter, and found a long arm blocking her path.

She took a step back and glanced up at the owner, the tall recruit from earlier who had come to talk to Captain Levi. He was looking down at her with utter disdain. Beside him, another member of the 104th, who Sif was pretty sure was called something like "Ronnie" or "Connie", as well as two of her sempais whom she barely knew, Vanessa Church and Alexis Korhonen. None seemed at all pleased to see her.

Sif was familiar with bullying and knew it was best not to provoke them, so she avoided their gaze. "I need to get in there," she said.

"Sure. As soon as we've had a talk," said the tall boy. "Your name's Sif? Come with us for a minute."

"I don't have time to talk right now," Sif said softly, still looking down. "Excuse me," she said, and again tried to get past the boy.

"Hm?" the boy pressed, blocking her way again. "Your time is more important than ours?"

Sif held back from asking if he had chores too. She kept her gaze down, hoping but not expecting that they would just let it go.

"Come with us," the boy said, more forcefully this time.

Reluctantly, Sif followed as he led and the other soldiers followed her to a slightly secluded area behind the enlisted barracks. The tall boy folded his arms and seemed to gather his thoughts for a moment. He eventually rounded a glare on Sif.

"I have only one question for you. Whatever it is you're doing with Captain Levi, are you an ally of the human race or not?"

Sif frowned. The question, and the necessity for it to be asked, had caught her off guard. She realized after a moment of thought that someone as dull as her being seen in intimate situations with Captain Levi might raise certain red flags for some of his most devoted subordinates. An issue that would be solved by making their relationship public, but personally she wasn't sure she could stand that, and felt certain Levi would agree. On top of which, being suspected in this way caused a surge of unpleasant anger in her chest.

"Are you Captain Levi's bodyguard?" she muttered, though regretted it.

"What did you say?" the boy demanded, slamming his hand on the wall behind her. He chuckled darkly. "Are you suggesting he needs one? Who in the hell do you think you are?"

"Sif," said Alexis, a soft-talking but, in Sif's experience, a deeply cynical person. "We're not attacking you. We just want to know that your heart is in the right place. Does Captain Levi need to fear anything from you?"

This statement got Sif's hackles up. She glared through her bangs at her sempai. "No. He does not," she said clearly.

"And that wouldn't be because you've already done something?" asked Vanessa, smirking dangerously. "Blackmail maybe?"

Sif was too angry to respond and merely watched Vanessa with a stony expression.

Connie (probably) was tapping his foot uncomfortably. "Well if she were, she'd hardly just tell us," he grumbled.

"I would never harm Captain Levi," Sif said in a loud, clear voice. "And if you even think I could, you're underestimating him. Leave me alone."

She tried to leave but found her shoulder slammed back against the wall by Alexis' hand. The cool-headed soldier stared hard at Sif's eyes with an emotionless smile. "And we should believe you because…?"

Sif raised an eyebrow. "Because even if all of you tried to protect him, you'd only get in his way."

Alexis didn't seem at all pleased by this response, but the tall boy's face clouded over with rage. He joined Alexis in slamming Sif's opposite shoulder into the wall. She held back a wince at the force behind it.

"It should be simple," he said with deceptive softness. "You understand what we're asking? All you have to do is tell us you have no ill intentions toward Captain Levi, or the human race. Or you could just stay away from him. If you really mean no harm, that should be easy. So what's stopping you?"

Sif looked down at his hand and then straight back up at his eyes without a trace of capitulation. She was far too angry at this suspicion by now to contemplate acquiescing to anything they said, even by explaining the situation. Anyway, there was no way she could do that without Captain Levi's permission. It would feel like a worse violation than her agreeing to the arrangement in the first place.

With no change in her expression, Sif said simply, "Move your hand."

The boy's jaw shifted, anger simmering behind his eyes. "If you're so determined, we can show you what happens to those we have reason not to trust."

Sif contemplated, taking a deep breath as she looked up at the lazy clouds passing over the blue sky. At length, she met the boy's eyes again. "Do what you have to. I have chores."

The boy bared his teeth as he gritted his jaw in anger. He glanced at Alexis, who seemed more than happy to take Sif up on that. The cynic scoffed lightly with a dark smirk. And the next thing Sif knew, she was doubled over in pain, the air rushed out of her lungs by Alexis' knee in her stomach.

"Hey!" Connie cried in distress. "I didn't sign up for this!" But in spite of his discomfort, he only shifted his feet and did not leave.

With effort, Sif straightened and met Alexis' gaze. The two glared at one another, unflinching for a moment. Alexis' fist cocked back suddenly. Sif dodged the punch when it came, and then landed one of her own in Alexis' solar plexus.

Suddenly, Sif's brain rattled in her head as the tall boy's fist connected with her jaw. She stumbled forward, but then the boy's hand slammed her back against the wall. He struck her face again while her head was still ringing. When the pain brought back some awareness, Sif planted her heel hard down on the boy's instep, then elbowed him in the ribcage with about half her strength. Any more with her haybale-swinging shoulders was likely to break bone. The boy crumbled, groaning and holding his ribs. When Vanessa aimed a strike at her stomach, Sif deflected her fist into the wall. The skeletally skinny redhead howled, retracting her bloody hand.

But then the tall boy grabbed Sif by the scruff and tossed her to the ground. Alexis and Vanessa took turns kicking her in the stomach and back. Sif's consciousness started to fade with pain rattling through her entire body.

"Enough," the tall boy finally said. "That should give her something to think about."

"Come on, Jean, she can take a little more," Alexis said, with the sound of a smile.

"You want us to go to prison instead of her? Enough. Let's go. And Sif, just keep this in mind the next time you think about distracting Captain Levi from his duties."

Sif remained where she was, curled up on the ground with her eyes shut in pain, until she heard their footsteps fading away. As soon as the pain had faded enough to move again, she sighed and stretched out on the ground on her back, staring up at the sky. She hadn't expected this exact reaction from her cohorts, but there was little she could do about it. She'd told them once, and in her mind once was enough for an honest person, that she meant Captain Levi no harm, and they hadn't believed her. She had no intention of telling them what was actually going on, so the best thing was probably just to wait it out and prove her intentions with action rather than words. She never understood why simple words didn't reach people sometimes.

For the immediate future though, at least until her bruises faded, she couldn't let Captain Levi see her. Even if it wasn't her fault, she would be too ashamed to show signs of not only getting in a fight but losing it. Her two points of pride, her calm temper and physical strength, were struck hard by this fact. She finished her morning chores with some difficulty with the pain radiating through her midsection, and as soon as she heard Captain Levi was back on the base, she went to her room. After waiting what felt like a reasonable amount of time for him to get started either with his own chores or with helping that boy, Jean, (Sif was glad she hadn't hit his face) she went out and asked her superior officer for permission to take medical leave for a few days. The officer, Liam Jacobson, looked her up and down with a hard frown, asking her a couple of questions about the nature of her injuries before reluctantly agreeing.

Sif spent the afternoon in her room, the pain in her back gradually worsening until it was making her sweat. She cursed. She was starting to feel not right. Her back felt heavy, even lying down. She was light-headed and starting to shake. She couldn't risk going to the infirmary because Captain Levi often used that sink to wash his hands. With difficulty, she got up and risked a trip to the basement of the hub building. She entered the lab without knocking and leaned against the near wall, feeling faint.

"Squad Leader Hange," she said, though her vision was flickering and she wasn't actually positive that was who was sitting under a lamp, examining something under a microscope. Another officer stood nearby, most likely Moblit.

Hange hastily stood from their seat. "Whoa! What? Hey! Uh…"

"Sir…" Sif murmured. "I'm sorry. My back…really hurts. Can you…"

Unfortunately, that was all she remembered before everything went black.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Levi had been more upset than he let on that Sif had not wanted to come to the orphanage with him. It wasn't because there was anything special about the orphanage, in fact it made him a little uncomfortable thinking about bringing her there. After all, it was just a reminder that if the two of them did have a child, they might very well be cared for in a place like this. Rather, he was uncomfortable about the way Sif dismissed opportunities to spend time with him. And not just that.

In a moment of desperation, she had told him she loved him. And though Levi hadn't said it back (mostly because he still wasn't quite sure what it meant), hearing that had made him happy. Being with Sif made him happy. She seemed like someone he could trust, and Levi was picky about that. He liked the soothing nature of her presence. The way her smile was barely visible except in a slight widening of her mouth and lowering of her eyes. The way she was normally so calm and logical but when it was right to be angry could be terrifying. And the way she held him made warm and pleasant sensations run all up his skin. But this was the problem: outside of those rare occasions, she acted like she didn't really like him that much.

The biggest thing was the way she seemed to dislike and even actively avoid conversations with him. She didn't seem to talk much when she was with friends either, but with Levi she kept up a clear barrier. She obviously didn't like touching in public either, though plenty of people even in Levi's acquaintance had hang-ups about that. But she also never initiated contact, even when they were alone. Or even asked to meet. Was that even love? Levi started to wonder if she wasn't just confusing it with admiration. She also seemed to think familial love and romantic love weren't that different. Maybe she just admired him, like all the others. Or even just liked him as a person, rather than in a romantic way, which was nice but really not the same thing. The idea that Sif thought of him as something between a brother or celebrity gave Levi a combination of feelings somewhere between itching and emptiness, and was not at all pleasant.

Levi returned to the base a little after one in the afternoon and changed into uniform. He had started to head for the lab to speak to Hange when he ran into Jean.

"Sir," Jean said, saluting. "Are you free now?"

"Oh, right," Levi muttered. "Strategy lessons, wasn't it? Let's go to the mess hall. It'll be quite for a couple of hours."

"Sir," Jean said, nodding.

There were still a few late lunch eaters in the hall when they arrived, but Levi selected a secluded table and sat down. Jean moved to join him but Levi looked up at a surprisingly high-pitched noise and a clatter.

Jean righted the chair he had upset while trying to sit down, and sat with a tense look on his face and one hand resting over his ribs. Levi frowned at this display.

"You constipated or something?" Levi demanded.

Jean shook his head. "I'm fine, sir. Let's begin."

Though not buying that for a second, Levi wasn't the sort of person who would call people on lies unless they obviously involved him. So Levi described several philosophies he had about engaging with titans and answered Jean's many questions about hypothetical situations. But they'd only been speaking for about a half an hour when Levi noticed they were no longer alone. Halfway down the hall, Eren Jaeger was standing alone, watching them with a tortured look on his face. Levi stopped talking to stare at him. Noticing this, Jean turned around to look.

"Eren? What does he want?" Jean muttered, sounding almost concerned but not quite.

Levi shook his head. "He was acting weird this morning too. Diarrhea maybe."

Levi rose from his seat and gestured for Eren to come over. Though biting his lip and looking ashamed, Eren reluctantly joined them, sitting beside Levi. Jean frowned at him, not even engaging in his usual needling of his long-time rival. Eren merely hung his head for a time, staring at the table with his brows knit, apparently waiting for someone else to talk.

"Eren," Levi said, already annoyed that Eren had some trouble and hadn't simply asked Levi's advice to begin with. "Why are you moping around like your dog died?"

To the shock of both other men, after a brief pause as he gathered his words, a tear rolled down Eren's face. Jean actually physically recoiled. Levi raised his eyebrows and blinked at this unexpected display.

"Captain…" Eren murmured, his voice breaking. "…is it true you have a lover?"

Jean's mouth fell open. Levi's surprise turned into a sharp frown of utter confusion and disbelief. He looked away for a moment and shook himself, making sure he hadn't misheard. At length, he rested an elbow on the table and his head on his hand, staring at Eren.

"You're a cheeky bastard, aren't you, Eren?" he muttered. "Okay. What if I did? Is that any of your business?"

Hurt flickered across Eren's face. Wordlessly, tears now began to pour down his face.

"Oh Jesus," Levi sighed, at a loss for what to do now.

"Actually, I'd like to know the answer as well," Jean chimed in, inexplicably.

Levi frowned at him like he'd just taken a shit on the table. What in the name of all hell was going on here? Why was his romantic life suddenly the business of a couple of prepubescent brats?

"I always…assumed you were asexual…or else too germaphobic to have a romantic relationship like that, Captain," Eren murmured softly.

"You're pushing it, brat," Levi growled.

But Eren continued as if he hadn't heard, "Or that you were in love with Commander Erwin."

Levi half nodded, acknowledging the last one wasn't entirely off the mark. He still wasn't sure what love was or if he was capable, but if he loved anyone, he definitely loved Erwin Smith.

"But…if you can fall in love then…why not me?!" Eren cried at last.

Levi raised his eyebrows slightly.

Jean still had his mouth open, glancing between Eren and Levi as the conversation continued to grow more outrageous. After a long moment of silence, Jean gasped to himself. "Captain," he said seriously. "Please don't lump me in with this one. My interests are pure. Just putting that out there."

"I've always…admired you, Captain," Eren continued softly, as if Jean weren't there. The next moment, to Levi's further disbelief, Eren's hand gently covered his own as it rested on the table. "You've been the most important person to me for so long. You're everything to me."

"Mm-hm," Levi replied dully. Even as he considered Eren's way of putting it though, he felt a small flicker of pain in his chest as he thought of Sif's possible feelings toward him. "Okay, I get it. You want to monopolize your toy," he said, though clearly not talking about Eren.

"No!" Eren cried. "I…I want to be important to you too," he continued quietly, now grasping Levi's hand and holding it against his chest.

Jean frowned hard, flummoxed by this open display of affection, and found something to look at far away.

Levi sighed, feeling another sharp sting from thinking about Sif. "You mean you think of me like a parent or an older brother or something, right? You want to be close. You don't mean you're in love with me."

"No! Well…at first I think that's all my feelings were, but…recently I'm always thinking about you. I want to be with you all the time. I even dream about you."

Levi's brows settled into a deep frown again, suddenly getting an urge to pull his hand back. "I'm going to regret asking, but…what kind of dreams?"

Eren didn't answer, but a flush of embarrassment bloomed over his face.

Levi stared hard at him. "For real? That's how you confess your feelings? Telling me you have wet dreams about me, you hormonal fucking brat? That's sexual harassment and really not a compliment."

"I'm sorry. Captain, please," Eren urged, shifting to face Levi with a determined expression. "Believe me. I don't know this person, but I swear that there can't be anyone who loves you as much as I do. I would be happy as a dog at the foot of your bed, if it meant I could be with you forever. Please, think about how I can make you happy."

Levi considered. "Say I did have a girlfriend. Or whatever. You want me to break up with her for you, is that what you're saying?"

Eren frowned with concern, glancing away for a moment. "That would make me happy, but if you don't want to break up with her…it's okay. I don't mind being number two or three for you, as long as I can be with you. You don't have to answer now," Eren said firmly. "But please…at least think about it."

Not having any particular response anyway, Levi silently allowed Eren to hold his hand for a moment longer before the brat then got up and left on his own. So Levi and Jean were alone once again, though neither seemed to be able to find an appropriate response to what had just happened.

"Captain…it's none of my business, but…" Jean began.

"An opening that usually means you should shut the fuck up before you start," Levi commented tiredly.

"If you're going to have a relationship I would rather it was with Eren."

Levi's eyebrows shot up, having reached his limit of irritating children butting in on his personal affairs. "Oh? My apologies. I forgot to ask your permission for who to fuck. You're the authority on my dick, huh? You do realize I only just remembered your name right, Jean Kiss-my-ass-you-arrogant-piece-of-shit?"

"Kirstein," Jean mumbled quietly, looking a bit pale after hearing that stream of profanity. "I'm sorry to be impertinent. In the normal course of things, it wouldn't be any of my business. But you're not a fool sir, you should know what I mean. We're still not certain there are no more titan shifters or other spies within the walls. Under our very noses. Hardly anyone I talked to even knows this person, except that she barely talks. Doesn't that remind you of someone?" he asked, knowing he didn't need to specify Annie. Levi glanced away with a sigh. "There's one thing we do know, and that's that she definitely joined up after the Fall, which means-"

"Jean," Levi cautioned.

"Please listen, sir!" Jean insisted. "You are more important than other officers, who can date whoever they like. She wouldn't even swear her allegiance to the human race. And if the human race loses you-"

"Jean."

Jean froze, sensing the danger in Levi's tone this time. He swallowed and met Levi's gaze.

Levi watched him long and hard until he was sure the terror had fully sunk in. "I'll say this once: my private business is none of yours. Now tell me. What situation would have her swearing allegiance to the human race all of a sudden? Have you been pestering Sif?"

Jean looked away sharply, the beginnings of a visible sweat breaking out over his pale brow. Rage rose up in Levi's gut.

"And?" he asked with deceptive softness, though he was imagining how it would feel to kick Jean to the ground. "What's your verdict, great detective? She spill any plans about killing me and letting a bunch of titans inside the walls to destroy us all?"

Jean gritted his teeth in frustration. He opened his mouth to argue, but slowly closed it, looking away. "If she were a spy, I don't think she would just tell anyone who asked."

Levi nodded. "Probably not. And incidentally I hope she was the one who kicked the shit out of those ribs you've been nursing. That's what you'd get for doubting her. And doubting me. So answer me this, Jean, since you seem so concerned about it: who are the most crucial people to the function of the Survey Corps, and the human race?"

"Sir?" Jean asked, confused.

"Name them."

"You…Commander Erwin…Squad Leader Hange. And Historia, obviously."

"Well said. All four of those people trust Sif Larsdatter," Levi growled in an undertone. "You still think you know better?"

The color drained from Jean's face. He looked down at his hands, unsure. "Sir…I'm sorry. But love…even friendship makes people irrational. Everyone makes mistakes. My only concern is the survival of the Survey Corps and the human race."

Levi took a deep breath to calm his anger. In all honesty, that suspicious side of Jean was something Levi actually liked and considered a good survival trait. He was still angry, but he had to admit he was probably being too hard on the brat.

"Understood. That's not a bad instinct in general, kid. But the next time you have a goddamn problem, you come to me with it first. Is that clear?"

Jean slowly nodded, though looking tortured.

"You going to cry too?"

Jean's hackles went up at that and despite being in Levi's presence, his lip curled in disgust. "How many times do I have to tell everyone that I'm nothing like that suicidal drama queen?"

Levi shrugged. "I don't see it, but people do say that."

…

The next thing Sif was aware of was blinking her eyes open to feeling cool and relaxed on a comfortable bed in a dark room. She breathed in deeply, then flinched in discomfort as her back twinged. It hurt much less than before though. She glanced at her arm, into which a needle and a line of red had been attached. Her eyes traced its source up to a bag of red hanging over her. And then her eyes passed to her left, to where Squad Leader Hange was sitting with their hands folded over their mouth and a their face cast in a deep frown. They smiled a little as Sif woke, but the warmth of the expression didn't reach their tired eyes. Their glasses flashed as they lifted their head.

"Welcome back," they said in a slightly hollow voice, though Sif sensed they had tried to make it lighter.

Feeling mortified that she had worried Squad Leader Hange and caused them so much trouble, Sif was silent for a time. "I'm sorry, Squad Leader," she murmured.

Hange took in a breath through their teeth, which might indicate anger Sif thought, looking at the ceiling. "Mm. Well. I'll take a bet these injuries weren't self-inflicted. But if you did something to earn them, fair enough. I accept your apology."

But with that, Hange's gaze lowered in what almost looked like irritation. They rested their elbows on their knees and folded their hands over their mouth again.

Sif held back another wave of guilt. Hange was right. If she had just let them hit her quietly without fighting back it wouldn't have gotten this bad. Or if she hadn't been so proud. She could have tried harder to convince them before it came to blows. She shouldn't have gotten angry. Probably she shouldn't have fought back.

"What is this?" Sif asked softly, indicating the line in her arm.

"Hm? Ah. It seems like your liver or maybe spleen got a little tear in it, and your body was spilling out a bunch of blood into your insides. But kudos to me on picking someone so healthy to be Levi's partner, your body was already fixing the problem when you got here. From what I can tell, the bleeding has stopped. You just got a little fever and blood loss. Gave you plasma and a little something to prevent infection. Should be fine in a couple of days." Hange opened their hands in a small shrug. "Unless you bust it open again. Then all bets are off. 'Kay?"

Sif shuddered. None of that sounded good. In fact, she was pretty sure that was how her mother had died. Upon hearing it, a cold feeling of dread sank into her stomach and she couldn't think of anything to say. They remained in silence for some time. Eventually, Hange seemed to reach their limit.

"Okay. Okay," they said, suddenly standing and walking a few steps away. They leaned against a near table to gather their thoughts. "Here's my proposal. Obviously you two have been trying to fool Erwin and Historia, and I didn't think it was a bad idea so I didn't say anything. But at this rate, our most loyal soldiers are just going to kill you out of sheer devotion to Levi. So we take option two."

Hange walked quickly back over and sat down to explain with descriptive hand gestures. "I'll hang Levi upside-down by his ankles until he agrees to give me a goddamn sample. Okay? Done! Then you and Levi go back to superior and subordinate, and you take a few months off to have this baby. You're still up for participating that way, right?"

Sif felt terrible to have worried Squad Leader Hange this much, but that was one option she simple wouldn't take. She shook her head.

"Why not?!" Hange cried angrily. They backtracked with a hesitant and self-deprecating smile. "Sif…I did this. Do you get it? I chose you. What happens to you is my fault. And I can't handle that."

"I'm sorry, sir. And I'm grateful," Sif said. She looked down at her arm, feeling another wave of gratitude at Hange's skillful care. "Captain Levi still sees me as an inconvenience, but he's accepted my presence at his side. That's more than I ever hoped for. And I definitely couldn't change our arrangement without his consent. If he'd rather do it that way, it's different, but…he seems to hate that idea more than the others. I can't do anything that might hurt him."

Hange's head lowered in despair. "Goddamn Levi…" they murmured. After letting that despair sit for a moment, they looked away for a time, propping their head on their hand. "Heh. I don't get the appeal, personally. Is that neat freak really that great?"

Sif considered. "I don't know. I'm biased, so I probably can't give any objective assessment of his…greatness."

Hange barked out a laugh, shaking their head. But a tense silence followed. Hange bounced their knee with nervous energy that seemed bound up with guilt and frustration. Eventually they sighed and lowered their head. "Sif, just…don't be reckless. All right?"

Saying this, Hange reached out and grasped Sif's hand gently. They kept their gaze down, worry furrowing their brows and a helpless stare aimed at the bed Sif was lying on. Sif's lips parted. It was probably just arrogance from being so close to Captain Levi lately. But Sif could swear there was more than just concern in Hange's expression. But quickly she decided that even if it were true, it was not her place to pry. And it did not change her admiration and gratitude toward Squad Leader Hange.

Sif nodded. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Can I also ask you a favor?"

Hange sighed loudly. "You want me to hush up about this to Levi," Hange guessed easily. Sif nodded. "Mmkay. Why, though?" they asked with a strange laugh. "You think he'll kill whatever punk ass little brats did this?"

"I think he'll lose respect for me."

Hange frowned sharply at that. They watched Sif with pity, but soon looked away. "Yeah. Okay. I don't get it. But I guess I don't get Levi either. I won't tell him." They laughed again to themselves, standing up and moving toward the door of the lab. "Wow. I'm really angry right now. I think I'll go annoy someone."

"Squad Leader…" Sif began, worriedly.

"Ah. Before that." Hange rummaged around in a drawer to produce a small packet of paper. They disappeared for a moment to another part of the lab and Sif heard sounds of running water. Hange returned with a glass of water and handed it and the packet to Sif. "Take that with the water. It'll help you sleep." Their smile grew dark and dangerous. "And if you get up out of this bed when I'm gone, Sif…"

"I won't," Sif replied quickly.

"Good girl. You sit tight while I go pester someone who needs an ass-kicking."

Sif sighed. She wasn't sure what the best solution was here, but doubted any could come from annoying Levi.

…

Levi cast a deathly glare down the mess hall the next morning. As soon as he and Jean had finished their meeting, he'd gone to look for Sif, if no other reason than to tell her about the interesting development with Eren. But she wasn't on duty. She wasn't in the stables. She wasn't in her room. And when he asked her commanding officer, he said she'd taken medical leave. What the fuck was "medical leave"? And why wasn't Levi trustworthy enough to be told about it? On top of which, Hange had for some reason been especially annoying lately.

Sif wasn't in the infirmary or the nearest hospital either. This was all very strange. While a small spark of insecurity from this morning again made him think her feelings were no more than fraternal, and that she might simply be avoiding him because she didn't like spending time with him, that conversation with Jean – and the deep wound left behind from the betrayal of Annie Leonhardt – briefly made Levi think something ridiculous. After he'd spent all that energy defending her, and being absolutely certain it was impossible, still this disappearance was odd enough to make his mind wander. And then, in a tiny flicker of disgust, he wondered if somehow these conspirators (of which he included all those Jean had named as well as Sif herself) had managed to extract his "seed" without him knowing about it. That was certainly one, albeit outlandish, reason she might have disappeared. Erwin would want to keep her in absolute safety if that happened, possibly not even telling Levi where he sent her.

As the recruits finished their breakfast, Levi caught sight of Jean. He stopped in his tracks as something occurred to him. Jean hadn't specified how he had acted on his suspicions toward Sif, but he had all but admitted to at least doing something. With that thought, a slow-starting fire of anger lit deep in Levi's belly. He followed Jean out as he went to report for duty.

Jean's path took him out toward the training ground, where there were few other people at this hour.

"Jean," Levi called to him when only the two of them were within earshot.

Jean stopped. His reluctance to turn at the sound of Levi's voice said he already knew why he was here. With the color draining from his face and tension tightening his brows and jaw, Jean turned to meet Levi's gaze.

Levi tilted his head, controlling his anger but unable to keep it from his eyes. "You remember we had a talk about you sticking your neck in where it doesn't belong?"

Jean swallowed, the muscles shifting in his jaw. "Yes, sir."

"Good. So here's the problem: I can't seem to find Sif anywhere. If you know anything about that," he murmured softly, leaving a significant pause to make sure Jean knew how serious he was. "I'd like to hear it."

Despite his innate cowardly side, Levi knew Jean was in reality one of the bravest new recruits to the Survey Corps. That said, right now he looked ready to shit himself. "Sir…I only did it because I think she's a danger to you," Jean hissed.

"Mm? Did what?" Levi pressed, his soft voice belying the murder in his eyes.

"I…" Jean swallowed. "Sir…"

Levi let Jean sweat for another moment before he got the gist. He nodded to himself, taking in a slow breath and letting it out again. On his exhale, he swept Jean's legs out from under him and planted his foot on Jean's chest as he hit the ground. With bruised and possibly now cracked ribs, Jean gasped in agony.

Levi watched him without a trace of emotion in his face. "Tell me one thing. Is she alive?"

It took Jean a few moments to regain his breath, coughing and twisting his face in pain. "Yes, she must be!" he cried eventually. "When I saw her she was fine!"

"Fine?"

"She…she wasn't dead! She isn't! Couldn't be…"

"Mm. But you don't know where she is?"

"No! I swear!"

Levi sighed. He was confident Jean really didn't know. But that didn't do anything to ease the anger burning inside him. He crouched down to the ground, pressing down hard on Jean's chest with his foot. Jean yelped, even grabbing Levi's foot to try to ease the pressure, but his arms couldn't come close to the strength in Levi's legs.

"I believe you don't know where she is," Levi murmured softly. "I'm not so sure about your assessment that she isn't dead, but I believe she was alive when you left her." Even as Jean was making soft noises of agony, Levi took a moment to contemplate. "You've done a lot for the cause so far. Erwin has high expectations of you. Out of deference to that, I won't kill you right now. And Jean. Choose wisely the next time you mess with someone I love."

Despite his pain, shock rolled across Jean's face. "Sir…"

"You have something more to say?" Levi growled.

"No!"

"Good. Then get on your feet and help me look for Sif. You may want to go to the infirmary first."


End file.
